all of these amazing things, I feel so incredibly alone.
I wake up alone. I grab my shirt and bra for the day from my wheelchair, pre-placed the night before and put them on while laying down. I then grab some pre-placed slippers to gently shove on my flaccid legs. My achilles tendon is definitely showing some shortening, as my ankle and foot just lay with gravity mostly pointing.
I lay on my side facing my wheelchair. I grab my skinny saggy legs, letting them droop over the side of the bed as I muster myself upwards to a sitting position. I have no pants on, yet. Often I get a little lightheaded when I first sit up, my blood pressure is generally pretty low but since this accident it is even lower.
I lean over gingerly to sort my feet and ankles. They take some coaxing to get them into position on my wheelchairs foot plate. Usually my left ankle is rolled slightly outward, no longer having the tone to sit flat and strong. I fiddle one hand on my wheelchair seat and the other rolled into a fist on my bed in preparation. I am to push up with my arms to facilitate my butt hopping from one place to the next. Sometimes I pop successfully without dragging my naked ass across the wheel of my chair. Technically I should lean forward a bit, but I shy from committing as much as I should because I am afraid of tipping over and face planting the floor.
Once in my chair, I wheel about my room grabbing breakfast supplies and sorting other morning routine items. Once finished I head to the bathroom to pop over onto a toilet. This pop over doesn't seem as cruxy, perhaps because I am moving over to a firm surface. This morning task now takes me about 1/2 hour or so, if I am lucky.
Hopefully after having success in the bathroom, I continue getting ready for the day. Next is putting on pants, shoes and socks all while sitting in my wheelchair.
The day continues, I go to some classes at Craig, I eat lunch, I pee around 12 or 1. The afternoon has me continuing with classes, eating dinner, peeing again. Peeing isn't the simple toilet task anymore. I bump my hips to the lip of my wheel chair, slip my pants down to my knees, prop a mirror on my legs and use a catheter with a bag attached. It takes a little more time then normal and pulling my pants back up fully, exposing plummer crack the rest of the day is a valid concern
If I have visitors, we visit. Usually they are friends or co-workers. I enjoy every single visitor, sharing laughter and memories. Depending on the company we either hash out my demons or distract from my woes. When I am by myself I sometimes run the events of my accident through my head. Mostly I dwell on feeling alone. I wonder often, how I have gotten to be the age of 37 without a life partner. Even as I type I know its not fully true, but it is hard to see the sunshine right now with things how they are. Lots of loss.
Eventually, I brush my teeth. I tiredly pop myself back to bed, sometimes more of a face roll onto the bed as I my triceps are tired from the day.
The routine, for now, includes setting my alarm for 1130pm and 530 am. These times are for catheterizing myself in bed. I do some internet reading on spinal cord injuries, while my hips electrically tingle and feet zing. When my alarms ring I do my deed and flop my legs over to the other side of the bed, snagging sheets as I toss them clear of body parts. Rolling over is a chore but needs to happen a few times a night to prevent bed sores, disgusting and dangerous bed sores. Eventually I hope to sleep through the night except a few timed turns...no more peeing.
At 7 am a hospital tech comes in to take my blood pressure and greet my eyes to a new day.
When she leaves I am still alone. I start the process all over again.