Saturday, March 31, 2018

twirling

I struggle writing and sharing because I feel like a big ball of bitching, whining negativity.  No longer am I crafting a way to share my latest adventure in the hills.

As spring blossoms, I am still an inside creature.

Inside a house and inside my mind.

I struggle with feeling alone.  Friends are amazing but they go home at night.   I miss a shoulder to snuggle, meaningful doting and embrace.  My partnership had waves of difficulty in the last year before this accident...players at different life spots.  I was at a point in my life ready to participate in a relationship, knowing it covers the gamut of moods and experiences.

Unfortunately my partner was not of the same mindset.   He is an incredible human, someone I still adore.  That is my problem.  To be heartbroken continues to be my problem.  Would my hurt be the same if I hadn't had this accident?  Yes, I would be heartbroken, but I would have more confidence in finding another....more confidence with myself.  Maybe.   

Timing.

This injury, its timing, is odd.  Patience with myself and my future is incredibly stressful....a challenging task at best.  I wondered about my job future, my relationship future, was even tiring of climbing a little bit....WHAT?....I know, I would baby shake myself when that thought entered.  (yea, I say that phrase).  But its true.  I felt obligated to climb because it is how I twirled my time for the last 20 years.

Learning.

I am about 6 months out from my injury.  Every other day I am a mess...and even the good days I am a mess.  My nerve pain is a mildly consistent pain one day, and the next is like a refrigerator is sitting on my legs with occasional lightening bolts in my hips.  I am learning to sit with pain, with discomfort.  I thought I was a grit-filled lady before...I guess not enough.

Vulnerability.

Instead of sharing the feeling of sandstone abrading my elbows or coating my sweaty brow, I share the moaning of my heart and the twinging of my lifeless legs.

What I write is dark, maybe even from a depressed mind set but I am leaving it on the table.  I won't be this way forever.  Life has thrown me against a wall...literally.  I wished for change, but hesitated chasing it.  I wanted a long-term relationship but didn't communicate my needs clearly.  I also optimistically misconstrued some of his words and actions to favor my own desires.


Here we are now.



I thought after Andrew's death I found some semblance of coping, learning, and loving.  This accident has proven my growth is not complete.  How do I do better?  My idea of body image has changed, I do not feel beautiful or capable.  Learning to accept....wow...seems unfathomable right now.

My habit of "playing cool" but not actually communicating my needs....to friends and lovers (yes, I can still have sex, enjoy sex, even birth a little monkey... if desired) is already changing, I hope for the better!!!

My inability to sit still prior to this accident, translating to some insecurities or fear of being inside the mind......Well shit.  Now I am givin'r!

11 comments:

Disie90 said...

❤️🧚‍♂️

thule said...

Hey Quinn! We’ve never met, but we kind of run in the same circles and have a few similarities (Minnesotans, moved west, climbers etc), I think you’re a friend of Lauren Delauney? I climbed with her briefly in Yosemite back in the day. I’m back in Minnesota now, close to home, the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. Kind of random, but have you ever considered a sit-ski sled dog supported pulk expedition? It’s an awesome way to explore the wilderness area and a great arm/core workout. My family has sled dogs in Ely and I’ve always wanted to do a cross country spring pulk trip with a group of women...or just a group of cool folks (maybe next year?). I know there’s concern for sitting too long with developing blood clots and ulcers etc with sit skiis, I’ve never used one myself, but I know there are ways to manage this safely. If you’re ever interested in a spring sit-ski pulk trip across the Boundary Waters let me know! bria.schurke@gmail.com. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your experience with all of us. -Bria Schurke

DRS said...

Hi Quinn, What you write is pretty raw. It is clear you are on a long road. Thanks for posting this and giving us a glimpse of what you are going through. Your challenges may have changed but you are ever an amazing and inspiring person. Hang in there, keep your head up, and keep moving forward.

Amanda Moyer said...

Hi Quinn. I read about your accident shortly after it happened and have followed your progress here. Your story is heart-wrenching and I imagine that every day offers immense physical and emotional challenges, but it seems from afar that you've been doing a great job of pushing your mind, body and spirit forward. Please remember that you have people all over the world, who you've never met, keeping you in their thoughts. You clearly are a very talented and motivated person, and I believe you will take this experience and use it to find maybe a previously unimagined space in the world that you can truly rock. Please keep believing in yourself. I hope that every day you are able to find more strength and comfort in your relationships with nature, sports, friends and lovers. Be well. - Amanda

Cybele said...

Thank you

Whitney said...

Please, please keep writing. Your experience, whether between walls of granite or the walls of your mind, is invaluable and important. Working through loss - which you clearly are, in multiple streams - is an experience worth sharing, if for nothing less than your ability to look back, in the future, to see how far you've come. Know that you're a role model. I'm also an outdoorswoman located in Minnesota (like the author of the first comment) and have been reading/listening to your journey from afar... and have full faith that this is the beginning of a life of beautiful proportions for you.

Amy Hafer said...

I say /word/ to Whitney & Amanda. Please keep putting your words down in some form or other. For all us strangers? No, for you! Bitch, moan and complain all you like. Be real. Be you. And what’s real for you right now is worth bitching about, plain and simple. It’s okay. You have our permission to continue complaining, although you don’t need it. We, us readers are all here to support you — however you need supporting. So do your thing girl!
I saw Lynn Hill speak tonight in Greeley and thought of you...Perhaps when your her age, you’ll be giving a talk sharing your life story...to young aspiring women seeking to make a difference in this messy world we live in.
Love yourself Quinn. You’re worthy of it. <3

janet said...

Ditto what Amy Hafer said. Don't apologize, this is your space and you can use it however you want. Fuck the sunshine and rainbows inspiration. Fuel the fight within you however you need to.

Jean said...

Hi Quinn, thought you'd might like to check out GRIT: https://www.gogrit.us/about-us/
It's a wheelchair designed by a former classmate to give wheelchair-bound people access to the outdoors.

Marcea said...

Hey love, fellow human here and just wanted to say - your honesty is a rare find in a very non-real world, thank you. My fingers are crossed for you.

Ishani Sawant said...

Quinn you are such a braveheart! I really admire the authenticity. I hope I can meet you when I come to USA. I really look up to you! #namastefromIndia

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