I have returned to Estes Park, more or less full time. The 7 month unexpected road trip has come to a close. To be home is lovely, the fresh air (that I still can't smell), the view and the community that I love. I am still down in Denver at least once a week for PT etc. A friend up here has offered up time to do PT and another to massage. I also try to swim 2-3 times a week at the community center and st(roll) around some local trails that are accessible.
It was, and still is, incredible difficult knowing the Climbing Ranger staff has returned and is back frolicking and assisting others in the mountains I love. I have climbed Longs Peak so many freeking times, but staring at it down here...all I want to do is climb it again. Lumpy Ridge brings the same sentiment. Old habits die hard.
Geez. It makes me wonder how I will do here. If this is home? I love it here, I love my community here. I have developed these friendships and extensive knowledge of these mountains in the sixteen years that I have been here.
Difficult imagining anything different. This accident has proven though, that sometimes we are thrust into difficult decisions. Maybe none of the options are good choices, but we make one and must deal with outcome regardless.
I feel guilty for choosing my fall adventures as I did, given my head wasn't in the game. I feel angry for not listening to myself. I feel embarrassed to have made a mistake. I feel like a failure. I feel overwhelmed that my accident has affected so many. Only I am in control of these negative emotions. Only I can choose to move on.
I feel lucky to be back in Estes Park.
I have started work with the Rocky Mountain Conservancy. A non-profit that supports the National Park through project funding and educational experiences in the public land its mission is to support. I think it will evolve into a lovely fit.
Things will keep changing. I will keep breathing for a little while longer. I am learning many new ways of coping. Coping with the nerve pain that persists in my body on a daily basis. Coping with a new life of sitting, where I could run- climb- swim - hike - move to resolve difficult emotional times. Coping with a new body that I am slightly ashamed of. Next step. Accepting.