Saturday, July 28, 2018

July ....Currently...

Lets see.  Update.   My mood today is mellow. Surprising, as I have been quite angry lately. I am settling into a life rhythm of everyday pain, streaks of loneliness, dabbles of laughter and a 'critical dis-satisfaction of routine.'   

I receive some random but INCREDIBLY kind emails from strangers.  I received one last night that made me laugh.  Thank you.  I am going to share a quote from it......

"My fear is that I might say the wrong thing or too cliche. Yet when I was mulling over, I considered if I were in your shoes, what would I need? The answer, I don’t fucking know, but probably love, support, a handful of bumbling idiots that mean well, one of those friends that is wildly optimistic that you really appreciate but often consider punching in the face, and an actual punching bag."

All of that is true.  

My intentions were to share things about Spinal Cord Injury...I guess I can and still delve further into the feelings mentioned above.

Pain.  Well, to start, physical pain.  It feels like if I were wearing low-rise jeans that are on fire but also compress my legs like a refrigerator.  I am burning all-day-every-day.  When you see me sitting in my chair across the room smiling.....I am also burning and in pain.  Some days it is a 3/10.  Other days it is 7-8/10.  Those days I am obviously more irritable.  

Mental pain.  That is a fucked up one.  I am angry right now.  Angry I went to Yosemite.  Backing into that hindsight of my mood driving out there....heart and mind confused.  I shouldn't have left Estes Park this fall.  I was in the mood to trail run.  I was in the mood to make my home more of home.  I was inappropriately giving space, credit and hope to what I thought were integral parts of my life.  I was wrong....charging away instead of facing them directly.   Josie and I drove up to the Meadow in Yosemite Valley that day conflicted, confused, obligated, habituated.  Dealing with that...moving forward with my decisions, my personality, ME -- is a difficult task. 

Leading to loneliness....or tying into loneliness....and the mundane routine.  I wake up, alone usually still fatigued.  I sleep 3-7 hours a night, depending on the nerve pain levels, muscle spasms (more on those).  I try to swim every other day, at least.  If I swim.  I swim 500-1000 meters.  Nothing fancy as far as 'training' goes.  I go to work for a few hours (Rocky Mountain Conservancy...not National Park Service).  Tuesdays I drive down to Denver, leave the house at 7am, do some PT, have meetings, get a massage (usually), home by 8pm.  Off to bed, alone.  I am not afraid of alone, in the moment.  I miss particular partner comforts of the past.  Something that the future should give hope to, but I don't accept myself how would anyone else.  

I am cynical of the new routine.  Impatient.  Surprise surprise.   I have a few friends who have rallied to do st(roll)'s around the basic lakes of Estes Park; lily, sprague, bear and lake estes.  A few trails have been explored as well.  I still wait for my bike, news is it is JUST finished!  

I miss being red in the face and breathless from running uphill.