Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Caution: emotional share

The below, I wrote somewhere along the long journey home from Greenland this summer.  I have just discovered it, re-read it and decided, although emotional, it is something I desire to share.  To remind myself of love, loving, and that in the big picture some things just don't matter.  

Tell someone you love them everyday--love everyday!

"The futility and emptiness of my existence were symbolized by the simple act of jumping
up from the chair.  Nothing in the everyday habits of a man is ordinarily freighted with
more purposefulness than the business of quitting a chair.  The swift leverage may impel
him on any one of a thousand different errands and opportunities.  But with me it led only
to blank walls."  Alone p. 127

I feel as though I could write and write and words could not fill enough pages to express
to you my true thoughts and emotions.

I haven't slept…really since July 8th.  I didn't know then Andrew had passed or maybe he
was in transit…as I type I don't know time of death or details of the incident.  Some don't
believe in soul connections, to you I am sorry…I wish you would take the time to listen.

You might find in those quite and intuitive moments exist something greater, a breath, a voice, a dream, a heart leaping.

I know that on July 9th during the hours of 7pm and ­3am Greenland time that sleep was
absent and thoughts of Andrew flooded stronger than any day so far (I often waited for
sleep to come with thoughts of him, his last text..our last embrace…)  I also know that during
that day…as I weirdly wandered about the rainy day Fjord, that my thoughts of him were
odd….not solvent.

Andrew was a friend, a love, a soul connection, a climbing partner and an amazing example of a man. We have this wild connection that words can't touch.  We shared dreams of each other that were real events in our lives, even across the many miles that separated us.  We openly discussed our connection through letters, emails, morning tea and evening wine/art hangout times.  We both feared ruining the amazing friendship we had forged, but mutually yearned to explore one another in a different light.
It was decided that our friendship would never fall, regardless and so we danced a new dance. This dance ebbed and flowed through the years, even as Andrew traveled to Europe this April.  His heart was torn and he needed to do some sorting.

On this trip to Greenland, my thoughts and journal were already filled with my own sorting
about Andrew….my romantic fantasy of best friends turned life partners.
I analyzed our emotional dance… ha, he was a fabulous dance partner in every way!!  Now it continues in the most gut­wretching­body­quivering­heart­melting­
I­don't­know­what­to­do­with­myself­sort of way.

I regret that we didn't share enough time this spring, both distracted with various life events and a mutual uncertainty of how love- in the grand scheme- should abide.   I regret my decision not to drive over to met him in Grand Junction before I left for Greenland.  To gaze into those glorious blue eyes or feel the warmth of his larger than life embrace.
Instead our dance continued through letters, email poetry and art.   I became well acquainted with the affairs of the McDonald's neighboring Andrew's old condo…free Internet.  Tales of the odd folks
glutenous eating habits mingled with life details of selling his condo and the exciting move to Paradox Valley.

Digging his soul deeper into the earth.

Andrew has been the only person I can say that I gave my love to without need or expectation of reciprocation.  I have never felt so strongly for someone that I truly, honestly, openly gave my love to….because he deserved it.

So many loved him and he treated everyone with kindness, "My mom always told me, nobody is better than anybody else."   Andrew insisted on giving this love to everyone, "plenty for everyone"…strangers, animals, family, friends, and the earth.

So proud of him for making it happen.

My heart has grown with and for Andrew Barnes in the last 6 years.  Our adventures of
the heart, mind, and earth are the most fond memories and I can't stop replaying them in
my head.  We both disliked too much time between us.

It is overwhelming how time stands between us now.


Annie Rooney.

Good god what a laugh.  A soul connection immediately.  We snorted together, shared a gymnastics ­like passion for certain yoga poses, ran during the lunch hour.  ­
Sprinting and sweating.
We actually spent our :"solo" ­time together, running the 18k to the town of Todos Santos.

As I re-­emerge from the icy fjords of Greenland with an already broken heart, I find many emails pertaining to her death.  A drunken driver episode on the Fourth of July!!!
I stared at my computer screen in disbelief.  Lizzy and John sitting next to me thought perhaps I was joking.  I couldn't digest it, sometimes I still feel I haven't.
Annie and I shared every day of our Yoga training together from 6am to 9pm.  She jokingly called it
"yoga-camp," I think alluding to her parents misunderstanding of this 3 week choice of time spent.   Our friendship continued afterward.  Weekly phone calls, almost daily slack-jawed photo messages, talk of running an adventure race together--meeting in Vegas for a bike and a climb.

She is a beautiful woman that I missed almost immediately upon leaving her presence in February and will miss also in the days going forward.  My love her family and friends, I know I am a newer connection to Annie Rooney but it was a darn lovely one to have.  She is amazing!

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