|Climbing one-and one. Climbed Petit, Saber, Sharkstooth this day. Dropped one shoe between Petit and Saber. Carry-on|
It seems ridiculous that I haven't used my legs in half of a year. What an odd phenomenon this injury is. Legs, still in tact... still having muscles that respond to stimulation, muscles that even move on their own involuntarily.
My brain and its positivity are directly associated with my nerve pain. When that shits off the hook so are my emotions. I am not as engaged in conversation, grumpier. I think my physical coping mechanisms are getting stronger but imagining another 20-30 years of this is is beyond me, on those days.
My legs sit idle. Something I, as an athlete and spaz, struggled with doing before....now it's unreal.
My brain is also paralyzed at times. I feel I am stuck on the past, dwelling.
I have extended myself, as per usual. Filling my time time with people, travel, writing and habitually attempting to keep the twirling game on ... that I was exceptionally good at before. I am finding, though, that a slower pace is actually preferred. I am exhausted mentally and physically (don't tell anyone.)
Friendships have changed, are still changing. I was known as the "yes "girl to adventures.... I am no longer capable of plunging into the mountains or the ocean like I used to. Not yet anyway. So, some friends have become distant. Some haven't renewed the lease on our friendship since my accident. Perhaps unsure what or how to deal with me. Perhaps afraid. Perhaps angry at me. Perhaps trying to give me space to ... to... to ...?
This accident, I am well aware, has affected more then just me. More then my family. For some reason my accident touched my local community, my climbing community, and strangers alike. I am grateful for the new friends I have made, given the circumstances of our new predicament. A reminder of how much we take for granted. Our lives, my life, even now. Life. To be alive. Geez, it could have lights-out in an instant. I wouldn't have even known. I would be---could be gone. Same for you.
I have been forced to reflect upon that lately. I release my anguish on you with writing, hoping, spraying, reminding myself. I am afraid of myself, my vanity. I am lonely. I am hurt. My heart aches. My ego is paralyzed with feeling embarrassed, of my mistake, my failure, my moaning.