I am so many things.
I am frustrated, sad, regretful, pissed, confused, pissed-- pissed again. Sometimes I am depressed, wonder if I should be here. Its true. Its sad. Especially given our communities recent crazy-in-our- face losses and near misses. We have all dealt with loss, I guess this loss is one I am unfamiliar with coupled with the terrible losses we are familiar with.
These thoughts are not generally my demeanor. Here we are now.
I laugh, hard core belly chuckles.
I have snorted again. Will I handstand again?
I can't believe that this is where I am at. My decision to not fully listen to myself. My decision to push it a little bit, reflecting back, push it for me even. I told Josie I wanted to try hard this day, get us closer to our projected/needed time for future endeavors.
I usually place 2 cams and crack jummar up the Boot Flake. Free climbing some, back cleaning the whole thing but using cams. This day, once through the techy start, I used one red camelot attached to my daisy. I even removed it for a minute and thought, "I shouldn't do that." A few minutes later I fell. No memory yet of the exact moment. Obviously a failure.
I hesitated climbing off of Texas Flake, feeling a little off. My decision to drive to Yosemite given the end of my work season at RMNP, my woes with climbing and personal life. Karla told me I shouldn't' "run away" to Yosemite. My body wanted to go to Indian Creek and just soak up some sun. Go mountain biking and running. I promised people I would come to Yosemite, I booked campsites, my ego wanted to see about certain ideas I had been scheming. EGO needed to keep pushing.
WHAT THE FUCK!
I don't know if I will stand on top of Longs Peak again. I loved my job as a climbing ranger, my co-workers and my easy comfortable amazing lifestyle.
Will I ever walk hand in hand with Max again...WALK hand in hand. BE with MAX? Live a life without diapers and worrying about shitting in the middle of the night because I have no control?
I am not used to leaning on others. Nor do I like it. Asking for help, like for the rest of my life? I have never been in the hospital. I liked living simply and under the radar. Bills, future needs like changing my car so I can drive it without usable legs, remodeling my home so I can shower and shit or moving to a home that is more conducive. It is beyond the scope of Quinn Brett's desire for a simple existence. For now.
I keep saying that phrase lately. For now.
Work, what will I do for work? Will the National Park Service have me and help me create something meaningful? Will Remote Medical and I continue to meld a solution? Will I be able to write for money, public speak for money? What about my Dovetail Retreats and desire to keep pushing others to their limits mentally and physically, inspire them.
Thought I would share something. Its not the usual positive "I got this" sort of vibe. Sorry for that. I am tearful every day but laugh everyday.
Tomorrow I leave Modesto and head to the Craig Hospital in Denver.
I am scared.
I am sorry.
I am overwhelmed.
I am incredibly appreciative to everyone for their support, monetarily and emotionally. I need every last one of you and can't keep on without you. Please keep me in your thoughts, text me, email me, reach out. Strangers and friends alike. I need you all.