Friday, November 23, 2018

Bah Humbug.

I am struggling.

I have been bound by legs that are unmoving for 13 months now. 

Forgiveness is a far flung hope. (yes, i have tried CBD, THC, counseling, fasting, diet, movement, essential oils, herbal remedies and conventional pharmaceuticals.....).

Trying to hold patience for the passing of time.  Selfishly, I wish for a time machine to reverse it.  

Every morning I see my wheelchair by my bedside and am reminded of the gravity of my personal decision making....or lack there-of.  

I have described my regret for how things panned out last fall before; from wishing I would have spoken to my needs and desires in personal relationships more clearly....instead of "being cool" because I didn't want to rock the boat or scare anyone off or because I felt obligated.  I wasn't truly paying attention to the person that I am definitely stuck with for the long haul.


I do still feel like my blog is bitching, maybe it is.  Maybe I have swung from a non-complainer to a full-complainer.  Finding my balance, yeah?

Truth be told, I am learning, I was embarrassed to admit to myself or others my ACTUAL wants and desires.

I still struggle with this but with so much emotional and physical pain it is just easier to say what I need, rather then sugar coating it or sucking it I used to.  I do not forgive the past life.  The self work I thought I was doing, my attempts to infect others with a love for nature, trying hard, moving with passion, and working on self.

I spoke out to others, actually trying to teach and infect myself.  I struggled feeling beautiful, measuring up to self-derived expectations.

I miss running.  I miss standing up.  I miss playing and my playful attitude.  I miss being easy going and carefree.  I miss feeling healthy.  I stress my health.   My hips and legs are disgusting, skinny and frail.  I have a layer of body fat, that I don't particularly enjoy because it means I haven't been running or getting cardio...which means my lungs are out of shape which means my heart is out of shape.

The athlete in me feels pathetic.  The intelligent rational brain is exhausted. The extravagant adventure stories are now more in the mind, rather then physical endeavors. 

Heavy shit.  I still get up every morning.  


Jim said...

Oh Quinn, I so love reading your posts. I constantly wonder what life would look like had Jim’s fall resulted in a life-altering injury. Would our marriage have survived it? Would we have become stronger? Would he have embraced his other hobbies (writing, music, volunteering) or would he have been bitter and angry? Am I an asshole for finding love again? I have dreams that his death was a big mistake and he comes home healthy and alive and he is pissed! Life is heavy shit. I wish this didn’t happen to you. Sending a million hugs and hoping for a cure. Started on the book you shared. It could happen to any of us. Xo
-Rebecca Detterline

Kathy said...

Hi Quinn. You don't know me, but I really would like you to look at this website: Dr. Igor Burdenko has helped many professional athletes; climbers, skaters, dancers, swimmers, divers, football players, basketball players, etc. He might be able to help you, too. You should give him a call in Newton, Massachusetts. I trained under him and now I am a trainer that uses his methods. When I broke my leg in a freak accident, I went to the pool every day, rain or shine, and I worked out for hours and hours. It helped me both physically and mentally. Now I help others do the same. Also I am a therapeutic riding instructor and you might consider such a program for yourself. But I think your first step should be a call to Igor Burdenko and ask him for his help.

Unknown said...

Hey Quinn,I don't think any words I say will make you feel better. Life is bloody hard sometimes (I'm from "Up North" in the UK,so excuse the odd swear comes with being a "Northerner " 😉). I have PTSD, from a trauma a long time ago and I look at others sometimes and think why can't I have an easy life too! Why couldn't my life have been straight forward...but it hasn't been. So what do I do? I try to find beauty in the here and now. It's there, it really is. It's just hidden by fear, emotions in turmoil and yes sometimes anger. Just remember Quinn, that you are a wonderful person. You can still find love and beauty in this world. I know because I'm uncovering it too. It's another journey to follow. Maybe the hardest journey you've taken but you'll get there. Lots of hugs flying across to you, from the Cumbrian mountains 💖💕💖xxx

Unknown said...

Ps I don't know why my name didn't come up....but the last comment was from me. Carol ☺ xxx

Arin Billings said...

Hi Hi Quinn- I just wanted you to know how much your blog has helped me. Rock climbing used to be the center of my universe... but my health has failed to the point of becoming unemployed and disabled (I'm 38). Sometimes I miss the girl I was so badly I almost can't take it anymore. Many of those days, I read your blog. It helps me not feel so alone. XO from Arizona :)

SuzieQ said...

Dear Quinn,

Please hang in there. As you know, life is so fragile and unpredictable. God gives all of us gifts and you have many to share. My child is severely disabled and it has been a long and desperate road at times, but you stay strong and you do your best with what you’ve got. Remember, God has a plan for all of us and why we might not understand why He does the things he does sometimes, there is a reason and one day we will understand. Please, have faith in Him. I admit that I once lost mine when my child was first diagnosed, but over time I see all of the wonderful things that I would have never known. Please believe me. My heart truly aches for you and I will pray for you. You are doing okay, you’re going through it and you’ll be amazed with yourself. Keep your mind busy, make lemons into lemonade and you will see the miracle of His work. Everyone has a cross to bear in life, some heavier than others, but God knows what you are capable of, as well as what you are not. You will find your peace and your purpose, I promise. You are loved. You are needed. You are able. You are strong. You can do it. You are here!

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