An endurance climbing week.

(I wrote this August 2017 but didn't post until 9/2018)  .....

Dudes have climbed some link-ups.  I desired to do something similar but different.  While I do have some first female ascents and female speed records, the media perceives these accomplishments differently.  They do.

So, I wanted to run around because I fucking love running around and because I kind of enjoy the meticulous nature of scheming and planning.  In 2015, I schemed a valley run around.  Inspired by many before me.  Bill Wright, Hans Florine, Chris Reveley, Harry Kent, Timmy O'Neil and Alex Honnold....to name a few, dudes.  

Summit of Washington Column

I asked a friend, she said yes.  She also became injured and tried to pull through....it wasn't worth it.  I begged Libby, she travels too much.  So I put it on the back burner.  I could find a dude to do it with, or find multiple partners but I really just wanted one female partner.  I asked a few but was hesitant.  This mission requires a level of boldness and competency.  Big walls shenanigans, efficient 5.10 climbing and confident 5.11 climbing.   In addition, you gotta hike efficiently with heavy packs after already big days in your week, and you have to laugh and be a bit strong headed....complaints are for later.

Great Roof!

I asked Josie Mckee.  She said yes.  

Alex Honnold and Dave Allfrey climbed 7 El Cap routes in 7 Days....a spin on this sounded fantastic!  The old Yosemite Big Wall book lists 8 BigWalls in the valley; El Capitan, Half Dome, Watkins, Lost Arrow, Leaning Tower, Liberty Cap, Ribbon Falls Wall and Washington Column.  Since I had planned this mission for May of 2015, when Lost Arrow is closed, I had my weeks worth, 7 walls.  When I mentioned it to Josie we both agreed that Ribbon Falls Wall, although fun, seemed a little out of the loop and I had always wanted climb Lost Arrow spire.  So we swapped the two and loosely made plans.   

I arrived to Yosemite Valley on October 2nd.  The weather was glorious, emotions we positive.  Josie and I didn't know each other very well, but have many mutual friends and a one outing in the mountains of Patagonia together.  I have struggled with partners in the past, and sometimes still do.  I am not the strongest of free climbers but I do consider myself to be lung oriented.  I almost would rather ski uphill and feel the iron blood taste in my mouth, then I would ski down hill, thighs burning.  I work in Rocky Mountain National Park in the summer months, ie, I run around at altitude all summer long.  I also have a pension for long-long days of movement.  I grew up swimming, running, biking, focusing on endurance and splits.  Climbing hard came second (which I have a growing fondness for).

Half Dome...diving board above

I digress.  I don't sit still, endurance sports are neat.  Running around the Valley sounded awesome.  Josie agreed and I believed she was a good match.  Some partners climb really hard but aren't as much into pushing their lungs.  Some are great at running around but don't have the big wall experience to swing around or confidence to cam hook, heel hook, into free moves.  Some like to suffer a little bit, then complain a lot a bit.   I like to giggle and snort but I also can be serious and lack confidence.  The perfect partner was someone who pushed me but allowed me to push them too.  You know those two teachers in school that were total contrast of one another?  One you just didn't connect to, despite their best efforts in praise or scolding or whatever it was.  Their delivery just didn't work.  Opposing, there was a teacher who you did connect with, pushed you, praised you and you were receptive.  Climbing partners work like that.  Mostly, to be honest.  I am a spaz and wish everyone would move faster hiking, on simul-climbing terrain (under 5.10) and at transitions.  They all wish I climbed harder and quit freeking out about our perceived pace.  

It was a fabulous adventure.  We were both tired on day 4, but I thrive sometimes in that perfect balance of tired but someone needs my support more then I need rest AND we have this awesome objective, so lets be supportive of one another!!  

By day 7 the rhythm was set.  I honestly felt I could have kept climbing.  Tired yes, but I wasn't maxed out.    Granted we joked about climbing the 8th big wall, Ribbon Falls, but opted to drink and hang with our friends by the campfire.  We hadn't hung out in a week.  We were so focused.  Climb.  Sort the rack, take care of personal hygiene (super important); soak feet and hands in river, shower, wash feet, wash face etc.  Then it was pack for the next day, drink a beer, make or eat dinner (the dudes were super helpful in this regard), go to bed, do it again.  

judging

Yup.  Life continues.  How crazy a phenonmenon!  To have been so quickly, so easily "lights-out."  I knew, we know, life is precious but to take and HAVE the time to reflect upon this scenario is wild.
I would not have known taking my last breath.

I did not want to end.

I was gaining pride in my body at 36 (finally), foolishly and highly critical of belly fat, fueling my need to exercise.   I was settling into my house, painting, gardening and even researching building a new home--shipping container or straw bale.  I had made sacrifices for my relationships, I had stopped teaching month long EMT courses in Seattle area, shortened climbing trips or planned them with my radical partner, even put some solo or bigger lady expeditions on the back burner.   At the end of last summer season, I was contemplating quitting the climbing ranger position, in part due to the sogginess of my romantic relationship, as well as, my personal/vocational goals.

Life continues to evolve.  Here we are now.







Hindsight is a muther truckin beotch.  I should not have driven to Yosemite, I should-coulda changed many behaviors in the month prior to my accident.  I should have stood-up, spoken up and listened up to myself.  I still feel like an idiot, a selfish- driven- fool, and now an unattractive cripple!  Yea, I am fully aware how lucky I am....but my trauma is my own, as silly as it seems.  Same as whatever you got going on, its all yours as mundane as it may be.  No one can take it away or diminish it.  The questions is, how do we deal with it?  How do we move on?

I don't have the answer to these questions.  I also don't feel like I get a free pass because of my continuous emotional and physical pain....I should still try hard.

Yup.  I am negative.  Yup.  I am in pain.  Yup.  I can't feel when I have to pee or my legs....aside from the constant dissociative nerve pain.  Yup, I can't run in the mountains like I used to.  I can still make a mean banana bread, skunk you in a game of cribbage, engage in a meaningful conversation, support loved ones, enjoy wine and sunsets, paddle board, kayak, and bike across wilderness.  I can do things.  I just hope that I haven't isolated myself from too many people with my negative attitude.  I get so pissy when people ask, "you live alone?" or when they stare or call me inspirational for wheeling on a dirt path.   

We are all dealing with something.  Who I am to judge?  If only I could transpose that thought into my undesirable self-image or my feeling like a failure.   True friendships and relationships, with others and ourselves, go beyond the physical realm.  So easy to say, I knew this before...but clearly wasn't putting valuable time and effort there.  How do we treat ourselves with compassion?  Truly?