Honesty ... for now

I am.
I am so many things.

I am frustrated, sad, regretful, pissed, confused, pissed-- pissed again.  Sometimes I am depressed, wonder if I should be here.  Its true.  Its sad.  Especially given our communities recent crazy-in-our- face losses and near misses.  We have all dealt with loss, I guess this loss is one I am unfamiliar with coupled with the terrible losses we are familiar with.

These thoughts are not generally my demeanor.  Here we are now.

I laugh, hard core belly chuckles.

I have snorted again.  Will I handstand again?

I can't believe that this is where I am at.  My decision to not fully listen to myself.  My decision to push it a little bit, reflecting back, push it for me even.  I told Josie I wanted to try hard this day, get us closer to our projected/needed time for future endeavors.

I usually place 2 cams and crack jummar up the Boot Flake.  Free climbing some, back cleaning the whole thing but using cams.  This day, once through the techy start, I used one red camelot attached to my daisy.   I even removed it for a minute and thought, "I shouldn't do that."  A few minutes later I fell.  No memory yet of the exact moment.  Obviously a failure.

I hesitated climbing off of Texas Flake, feeling a little off.  My decision to drive to Yosemite given the end of my work season at RMNP,  my woes with climbing and personal life.  Karla told me I shouldn't' "run away" to Yosemite.  My body wanted to go to Indian Creek and just soak up some sun.  Go mountain biking and running.   I promised people I would come to Yosemite, I booked campsites, my ego wanted to see about certain ideas I had been scheming.  EGO needed to keep pushing.

WHAT THE FUCK!

I don't know if I will stand on top of Longs Peak again.  I loved my job as a climbing ranger, my co-workers and my easy comfortable amazing lifestyle.

Will I ever walk hand in hand with Max again...WALK hand in hand. BE with MAX?  Live a life without diapers and worrying about shitting in the middle of the night because I have no control?

I am not used to leaning on others.  Nor do I like it.  Asking for help, like for the rest of my life?  I have never been in the hospital.  I liked living simply and under the radar.  Bills, future needs like changing my car so I can drive it without usable legs, remodeling my home so I can shower and shit or moving to a home that is more conducive.  It is beyond the scope of Quinn Brett's desire for a simple existence.  For now.

I keep saying that phrase lately.  For now.

Work, what will I do for work?  Will the National Park Service have me and help me create something meaningful?  Will Remote Medical and I continue to meld a solution?  Will I be able to write for money, public speak for money?  What about my Dovetail Retreats and desire to keep pushing others to their limits mentally and physically, inspire them.

Thought I would share something.  Its not the usual positive "I got this" sort of vibe.  Sorry for that.  I am tearful every day but laugh everyday.

Tomorrow I leave Modesto and head to the Craig Hospital in Denver.

I am scared.

I am sorry.

I am overwhelmed.

I am incredibly appreciative to everyone for their support, monetarily and emotionally.  I need every last one of you and can't keep on without you.  Please keep me in your thoughts, text me, email me, reach out.  Strangers and friends alike.  I need you all.