Debbie Downer Day routine

Last week I was surrounded by so many, this week it has dwindled.  I have oodles of friends in my corner, creating events, helping raise money for my stupid accident.  People donating and even strangers reaching out to me.  I am lucky, I am filled with gratitude yet......

all of these amazing things, I feel so incredibly alone. 

I wake up alone.  I grab my shirt and bra for the day from my wheelchair, pre-placed the night before and put them on while laying down.  I then grab some pre-placed slippers to gently shove on my flaccid legs.  My achilles tendon is definitely showing some shortening, as my ankle and foot just lay with gravity mostly pointing. 

I lay on my side facing my wheelchair.  I grab my skinny saggy legs, letting them droop over the side of the bed as I muster myself upwards to a sitting position.  I have no pants on, yet.  Often I get a little lightheaded when I first sit up, my blood pressure is generally pretty low but since this accident it is even lower. 

 I lean over gingerly to sort my feet and ankles.  They take some coaxing to get them into position on my wheelchairs foot plate.  Usually my left ankle is rolled slightly outward, no longer having the tone to sit flat and strong.  I fiddle one hand on my wheelchair seat and the other rolled into a fist on my bed in preparation.  I am to push up with my arms to facilitate my butt hopping from one place to the next.  Sometimes I pop successfully without dragging my naked ass across the wheel of my chair.  Technically I should lean forward a bit, but I shy from committing as much as I should because I am afraid of tipping over and face planting the floor. 

Once in my chair, I wheel about my room grabbing breakfast supplies and sorting other morning routine items.  Once finished I head to the bathroom to pop over onto a toilet.  This pop over doesn't seem as cruxy, perhaps because I am moving over to a firm surface.  This morning task now takes me about 1/2 hour or so, if I am lucky. 

Hopefully after having success in the bathroom, I continue getting ready for the day.  Next is putting on pants, shoes and socks all while sitting in my wheelchair. 

The day continues, I go to some classes at Craig, I eat lunch, I pee around 12 or 1.  The afternoon has me continuing with classes, eating dinner, peeing again.  Peeing isn't the simple toilet task anymore.  I bump my hips to the lip of my wheel chair, slip my pants down to my knees, prop a mirror on my legs and use a catheter with a bag attached.  It takes a little more time then normal and pulling my pants back up fully,  exposing plummer crack the rest of the day is a valid concern   

If I have visitors, we visit.  Usually they are friends or co-workers.  I enjoy every single visitor,  sharing laughter and memories.  Depending on the company we either hash out my demons or distract from my woes.  When I am by myself I sometimes run the events of my accident through my head.  Mostly I dwell on feeling alone.  I wonder often, how I have gotten to be the age of 37 without a life partner.  Even as I type I know its not fully true, but it is hard to see the sunshine right now with things how they are.  Lots of loss.

How inspiring is that?  How inspiring am I?  Now I am in a wheelchair and my self esteem is shot to shit.  Marriage and mountain summits seem like a distant little girl dream. 

Eventually, I brush my teeth.  I tiredly pop myself back to bed, sometimes more of a face roll onto the bed as I my triceps are tired from the day. 

The routine, for now, includes setting my alarm for 1130pm and 530 am.  These times are for catheterizing myself in bed.   I do some internet reading on spinal cord injuries, while my hips electrically tingle and feet zing.  When my alarms ring I do my deed and flop my legs over to the other side of the bed, snagging sheets as I toss them clear of body parts.  Rolling over is a chore but needs to happen a few times a night to prevent bed sores, disgusting and dangerous bed sores.  Eventually I hope to sleep through the night except a few timed turns...no more peeing. 

At 7 am a hospital tech comes in to take my blood pressure and greet my eyes to a new day. 

When she leaves I am still alone.  I start the process all over again.

Mind over Matter

I don't have anything that exciting.  The two wiggle was dormant for a few days but then came back yesterday.   The movement is a little bigger then it use to be, the knuckle moves and you can see a twitch in the ball of the foot also.  Big toe on the other side also wiggles, but they kinda wanna wiggle together.  I am not sure what that means?  Maybe if I learn to walk again it means I will just be someone who hops?  I am okay with that! 

Still struggling a bit with my routine here.  Feeling I am not doing enough or that not enough is available to me. 

OH!  I do have something exciting.  The whole freeking climbing community and Estes Park community is crushing!  The support I am receiving is incredible.  I have had so many strangers reach out and share their experiences with becoming and living as a parapalegic.  A co-worker in RMNP reminded me of a former badass employee at Rocky who was bound to a wheelchair.  This man, Michael Smithson, climbed with Micheal Donahue (Colorado Mountain School before it was CMS) up to the top of Longs.  He used a horse to get to the boulderfield where he camped then craweled his own ass up snow up the North Face of Longs Peak. 

 

"To protect Michael Smithson legs from sharp rocks, as he dragged himself up the mountain, his legs were wrapped with a piece of fiberglass and plastic (think of those old flexible plastic sleds). As he crossed the Boulderfield, Michael had to crawl on his belly and drag his legs behind him until the terrain steepened at the base of the North Face. Michael hauled himself up the north face of Longs Peak using only his arms! It was extraordinary. When he encountered snow, he used crampons, or metal spikes on his hands to grip into the ice."

Talk about INSPIRING!!!!!!!!  Thank you community, friends, strangers,

Best at Exercising....

Have any of you watched East Bound and Down?  Either way, type in the journal entry title and watch the clip.  Its quite funny.  

I am rounding out my second week here at Craig.  Its been neat, yet I am not fully challenged in the way that I want. 

I am challenged in that, this is how it is now.  The focus as an inpatient here is on daily life skills.  It makes total sense, as I need to learn some life skills over again.  Particularly bowel, bladder and just getting in and out of the bed or rolling over in it.  I was more hopeful for some attention to the legs...give muscle memory, brain memory, nerve firings and the placebo affect all an early chance.  I know my spinal cord was in a wreck but there is science behind the mind doing things, to the nerves finding a way, to recovery happening to people who were told "never."  

I did arrive here already ahead of the curve, having been incredibly lucky with my injury considering and having athletic ability.  

Going forward I am advocating and hopeful for opportunities regarding physical therapy.  I am also soaking in and trying hard with the skills they are throwing my way.  

My immediate needs to feel more confident and independent and ready to leave here without face planting in the shower are;

the ability to roll myself at night.  bed sores are a serious and scary concern.

the ability to move confidently from my wheelchair to and from the toilet/a bathroom shower chair.  (seriously kinda sketchy)

the graceful set up of bathroom needed items in my home bathroom and nearby bed

learning to get in and out of cars

learning to drive

figuring out a little more of my "life"  Confusing with house and living situation occupies some of my brain.  I would rather spend that time trying to wiggle my toes.  Speaking of which they are not as excitable as they were last week.  I wonder why?