Saturday, May 25, 2019

Where are you now?

Stoic
Stories of my smile, stories of my frown.

I haven't written in awhile.  I have been working on an article for a beautiful publication Sidetrackedso while I have been writing in my days it has been mostly editing.  This morning I needed to journal but I am traveling in Bend, OR and did not bring my journal.  We will see where this goes.....

I traveled quite a bit before my injury.  While I did live and work in Estes Park steadily mid-April to the end of the September, I still found myself flying to somewhere else almost once a month.  July was probably the only month I didn't leave Estes Park for years. Crazy to think about.  It didn't seem so exhausting back then, sometimes if I worked a clinic over my days off with the Park and had a later flight home with work at 7am the next morning, I would be tired but it was easier to recoup.  Running in the mountains, averaging 30-60 miles a week was normal.

After injury I find I am pooped.  There is more planning involved, constant burning in my legs and the effort of this smaller muscle group that supports my mobility.  Arms!

.......Well, per usual I got distracted.  It's a week later from the paragraphs above.  It a was a lovely week in Bend but back to some emotion here in Estes.  Trying to sort patience and contentedness.  When will I have either of those qualities?

Bond
I arrived in Bend, stoked to spend a week of nordic skiing and hanging with a rad new (to me) community of people.  Instead I had drifting thoughts of, I just want to be home.  I know this thought comes from being tired of travel.  Of wanting to build a house, grow food, have dinner with a loved one, conversation and adventure with loved ones.

While I enjoy that I have a vast community of friends and pen pals, always have.  I think I was striving before my injury to settle a little bit.  Not settle in trying hard but try hard in different endeavors.  I knew how to climb, how to run, how to avoid conflict by being cool or being avoidant with my needs but I longed to tackle the emotional or communicative sides that I needed to work on.  I needed help and support with those endeavors.  I didn't know how or wasn't brave enough to ask for help nor was the timing right for some to offer.  I made small efforts but ultimately relied on what I was used to....solving myself or avoiding through physical activity.

This trip had a rise up of my past work, intentions to be a better human. To learn.  To grow. 
I had an immediate reaction of "I don't want to be here".  Thoughts drifted to why not?  What do I want?  What would make me feel content?  Physical activity is ingrained in my being, so is time outside.  I think connecting to a community is also.  My desire to have a partner and play and friends and travel and piano and movies and ocean and night sky and bailey's and wine and cheese and a sore body pervades.  I do want it all :)  I am different but I am the same.

Beauty

I guess in this rant, I wonder what have I learned in this life altering injury?  How am I better?  When Andrew died it was the most devastating life experience for me.  When Annie died, when Chad...when Hayden.  When things are traumatic we learn, we grieve in a variety of ways over an indeterminate amount of time but do we change?

How can I still enjoy playing outdoors and curious adventure, pushing the body while also sharing some experiences with friends and a romantic partnership?   How do I share Quinn but with more patience for my emotions and those of others.   Appreciate individual goals and compassion for individual differences.  Appreciating that every partner, every relationship (friends or lovers) will be challenging and amazing at the same time.  Life is work, constant unpredictable, painful, joyous work.

Maybe I am learning that all we can do is be patient with the emotion or experience as it is now.  It won't last, we can plan we can expect but a multi direction change is in store at any moment.  What does all that planning and expectation of ourselves of others bring us?

Be gracious.  Be present.

Hard to do at times.

Grace


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