---Looking Back---

Staring at the mountain that in 12 hours time I would loose my ability to walk, climb, pee...so many things, gaining.... ?

I have some drafts in my blog site that are unpublished.  Below is one from late in March 2013.  I am writing about two close friends from Estes who were in a mountain accident, one died, one came away barely with many injuries.  2013 held a lot of sorrow and loss.  Dave and Lisa, then Rick and WHAM...Andrew and Annie.  Sometimes re-reading my thoughts are wild.....how they are the same even now.  Even older blogs, like the Peter Pan one are interesting.  I WAS working on myself but what was I doing about it?  What a I doing about it now?  Conversations about risk, change, failure, ambitions, and engrained habits of who we are.  I need to do some more journaling....sitting.  HA!  
______________________________________________________________________________March 2013
During this annual week of wandering I am reminded of my fortunate existence, ponder my ambitions (well, I have been doing that a lot this last year anyway), and usually sleep until my bladder cannot possibly rest any longer.  This year, the sleep was different, almost non-existent.  An uneasiness about friends, relationships, and well, just a feeling of something amiss.  Similar to my experience in the Baja a month ago, words fall short in accurately describing the emotion or experience.  

The van loaded with seventh graders, Dustin (my co-guide) and I drove out of the Grand Gulch Primitive area after 6 days of exploring canyons, ruins, and minds.  I turned my phone on near Moab, Utah.  Beep after beep, twenty-something texts in total after only 4 days without service.  Something was most certainly off. 

“Avalanche..injured”....”have you heard?”...”injuries include...” ....”funeral arrangements” ....I dropped the phone upon reading the last message.  I gazed forward, lost, the red canyons seemingly closing in on the van yet disappearing all the same.   The road just was, as it seemed I was.    

I am not attempting to say something profound, merely feeling a strong urge to write.  Death, regardless of circumstances, creates multitudes of emotion and I need a release.  

We are here now, no past, no future, no hope, no fantasies.  

Just here now and how quickly now can be taken away.  

I feel my heart heavy for a good friend, her personal injuries and the pain of imagining the situation dealt with head on.  My eyes moisten for the loss of a lovely man, and sorrow for his lovely wife and two beautiful young children.  My chest flutters as our small town community unites in these stressful times.  Love, everywhere love.  Love now.  LOVE NOW.  

This past year keeps pointing at living now, loving now, appreciating now, kindness, selflessness.  As always I feel slow in my development as a person.  Obviously we should be kind to everyone, have patience, try hard, love like we mean it, give because we love giving and making others happy.

We adventure because it fills our soul..........

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