twirling

I struggle writing and sharing because I feel like a big ball of bitching, whining negativity.  No longer am I crafting a way to share my latest adventure in the hills.

As spring blossoms, I am still an inside creature.

Inside a house and inside my mind.

I struggle with feeling alone.  Friends are amazing but they go home at night.   I miss a shoulder to snuggle, meaningful doting and embrace.  My partnership had waves of difficulty in the last year before this accident...players at different life spots.  I was at a point in my life ready to participate and work for our relationship, knowing it covers the gamut of moods and experiences.  I failed.

He is an incredible human, someone I still adore.  That is my problem.  To be heartbroken continues to be my problem.  Would my hurt be the same if I hadn't had this accident?  Yes, I would be heartbroken, but I would have more confidence in finding another....more confidence with myself.  Maybe.   

Timing.

This injury, its timing, is odd.  Patience with myself and my future is incredibly stressful....a challenging task at best.  I wondered about my job future, my relationship future, was even tiring of climbing a little bit....WHAT?....I know, I would baby shake myself when that thought entered.  (yea, I say that phrase).  But its true.  I felt obligated to climb because it is how I twirled my time for the last 20 years.

Learning.

I am about 6 months out from my injury.  Every other day I am a mess...and even the good days I am a mess.  My nerve pain is a mildly consistent pain one day, and the next is like a refrigerator is sitting on my legs with occasional lightening bolts in my hips.  I am learning to sit with pain, with discomfort.  I thought I was a grit-filled lady before...I guess not enough.

Vulnerability.

Instead of sharing the feeling of sandstone abrading my elbows or coating my sweaty brow, I share the moaning of my heart and the twinging of my lifeless legs.

What I write is dark, maybe even from a depressed mind set but I am leaving it on the table.  I won't be this way forever.  Life has thrown me against a wall...literally.  I wished for change, but hesitated chasing it.  I wanted a long-term relationship but didn't communicate my needs directly enough......  I also optimistically misconstrued some words and actions to favor my own desires.


Here we are now.



I thought after Andrew's death I found some semblance of coping, learning, and loving.  This accident has proven my growth is not complete.  How do I do better?  My idea of body image has changed, I do not feel beautiful or capable.  Learning to accept....wow...seems unfathomable right now.

My habit of "playing cool" but not actually communicating my needs....to friends and lovers (yes, I can still have sex, enjoy sex, even birth a little monkey... if desired) is already changing, I hope for the better!!!

My inability to sit still prior to this accident, translating to some insecurities or fear of being inside the mind......Well shit.  Now I am givin'r!

Complications

Well a small scare yesterday.  I was changing pants for dinner plans... thought it would be nice not to wear the typical work-out clothing...and noticed my right quad was swollen.  Like, twice the size of the left.  

My sister-in-law happened to fly home with me from my first airline travel from Boston and was also concerned.  I had just finished an hour of therapy on the Locomat (one of the fancy machines where I am walking on a treadmill with technology).  The day prior I had done 2 hours of standing and electrical stimulation, that was also my first day back at PT.  I had taken a week off to fly to Boston for an American Alpine Club fancy gala/dinner and to visit my brother.  While I swam 2 of the days in Boston and had a great stretch session one day, I think I was a little more still.  Flying, as a paraplegic, does have potential to give us blood clots.  We aren't able to jiggle our legs, stand up, stretch em out.  Our artery's and veins also have potential to shrink, as we aren't moving our legs so blood flow is low through the anyway.
Thursday night, I went to the ER.  They ultra-sounded my leg.  I had a blood clot in my upper right thigh.  Perhaps from the flying.  
Today, Friday, I started a new tradition of taking blood thinners!  WOOT WOOT! :)  Bah, more drugs to take, more side-effects that are frustrating.  I took pride in being a healthy person who was body aware.  This injury is frustrating in that I can't feel, I don't know...and I have to pay attention even closer.  
The leg is still quite swollen, which stresses me out.... there isn't much room for it to grow bigger and I don't like the idea of permanent effects this may cause.  Like damage to my vein, causing a more chronic condition.  WOWZERS.

On that note.  Here are some pictures of the event all dressed up and maybe a video of airport fun.

Nose Record Holders

Pancake flop

Too real, too honest.  I just feel like I am a burden, a giant pile of complaints.

Just had another transition moment.

I don't think I am fully depressed but life moments keep gleaming straight at me.  Moved over to my friend Caroline's house.  She lives in Denver, only a 20 minute drive or so from Craig Hosptial.  I wanted to stay close to Craig continuing PT and one-on-one therapies for the next 2 months rather intensely.  I visit Estes Park, see my backyard and my kitchen about once a month.

I miss home.  I miss the ease of life I took for granted.

The transition is difficult for multitude of reasons.  The climbing ranger Job posting is about to be released via the government interwebs.  The team is in communication with one another, as they should be, but I feel left out.  I am no longer capable of performing the job that I freekin' loved.  The National Park is trying their best to get me back into the mix, but unfortunately as with Government work there is not a job description to fulfill the tasks I am capable.  I can do administrative work, dispatch work, or even work in the wilderness permit office.  I am toying with those ideas but would really love to create that job description and work towards continuing the work I was doing.

I know I can't go into the field to do Search and Rescue but I am very capable of the performing Incident Command staff work in the office.  There are many tasks that fall to the way-side, especially during the summer months, that I could continue to do in the Ranger Division.  Not to mention the work I would love to continue with the Climbing Concessions, the Rocky Mountain National Park now allows 6 companies to guide technical climbing.  I was working with the companies and guides, trying to develop a better relationship between for-profit and National Parks, instilling better Leave no Trace climbing ethics, developing stewardship days, clean-ups etc.   Alas, this particular work was just some of my duties as a climbing ranger, something I think I could continue doing if a position existed.  It doesn't in Rocky.

Bitch moan, bitch moan, bitch gripe.

I try to reel in the negative tone and realize the great things.....

So, I have been putting out the feelers on other work.

I have been swimming 2 times a week at local recreation centers.  Swimming is nice, gets my heart moving but it certainly is different.  Hopefully I will find biking to be joyous, with hand cranks and all.

I wonder about joy still.  I cry at the silliest things; missing my bed, sad at the home decorating I was in the middle of.....