Bah Humbug.

I am struggling.

I have been bound by legs that are unmoving for 13 months now. 

Forgiveness is a far flung hope. (yes, i have tried CBD, THC, counseling, fasting, diet, movement, essential oils, herbal remedies and conventional pharmaceuticals.....).

Trying to hold patience for the passing of time.  Selfishly, I wish for a time machine to reverse it.  

Every morning I see my wheelchair by my bedside and am reminded of the gravity of my personal decision making....or lack there-of.  

I have described my regret for how things panned out last fall before; from wishing I would have spoken to my needs and desires in personal relationships more clearly....instead of "being cool" because I didn't want to rock the boat or scare anyone off or because I felt obligated.  I wasn't truly paying attention to the person that I am definitely stuck with for the long haul.

Me.

I do still feel like my blog is bitching, maybe it is.  Maybe I have swung from a non-complainer to a full-complainer.  Finding my balance, yeah?

Truth be told, I am learning, I was embarrassed to admit to myself or others my ACTUAL wants and desires.

I still struggle with this but with so much emotional and physical pain it is just easier to say what I need, rather then sugar coating it or sucking it up....like I used to.  I do not forgive the past life.  The self work I thought I was doing, my attempts to infect others with a love for nature, trying hard, moving with passion, and working on self.

I spoke out to others, actually trying to teach and infect myself.  I struggled feeling beautiful, measuring up to self-derived expectations.

I miss running.  I miss standing up.  I miss playing and my playful attitude.  I miss being easy going and carefree.  I miss feeling healthy.  I stress my health.   My hips and legs are disgusting, skinny and frail.  I have a layer of body fat, that I don't particularly enjoy because it means I haven't been running or getting cardio...which means my lungs are out of shape which means my heart is out of shape.

The athlete in me feels pathetic.  The intelligent rational brain is exhausted. The extravagant adventure stories are now more in the mind, rather then physical endeavors. 

Heavy shit.  I still get up every morning.