Woes of Failure.

Levitating up Levitation and Eagle Dance

Failure.  

ARG!

I suck with failure!!!

I find sometimes I am avoiding moments where failure is the most likely outcome.  

Following the crux on Cloud Tower

I don’t project rock climbs.  I on-sight.  If I don’t think I can on-sight it I shy the lead away.  

Its not even that I fear falling.  I don’t fully commit to friends, relationships, plans....because what if it doesn’t work out.  It is better to be illusive.  

HA!  I fear failure.  It isn’t really working out any more, this fear of failure thing.  

I turned to Justin Dubois this spring when I was having a little head epic in the Valley.  In one week last April I climbed three big walls in a day in Zion, climbed to Dolt Tower and had my first run up the Regular Route on Half Dome.  All-in-all, 10,000 feet of climbing in 6 days.  Yet, I was frustrated with my progress in mid- May.  My intended objective was pushed out of sight by partner miscommunication and sickness. 

I emailed Justin, “am I a sissy if I bail?”

He sent back something short...probably not knowing that I really needed advice, an outside voice.  

“No, crazy...settle down!”  

This fall again Justin’s words ring around the vast space between my ears.  

Settle down. 

Baxter and Andrew on top of Mt. Wilson--Red Rocks

Ironic as Justin drops me a note today, 
“I think I have your disease...I can’t seem to take a rest day!”

Yup.  It is a disease and it is catching up with me hardcore.  

I feel that I have been battling it, so quickly moving on to the next project...the next adventure that I might not be enjoying the present moment.  

Cory Jammin up the last pitch of Cloud Tower

The pain of my stubby right toe jammed into the one inch crack 600 feet off the deck.  

The grunting exhale that escapes my lips as I shove my left index finger in the space between the parallel sandstone.

The tingling sensation as my hand cranks, forearm burning, pulsing.  Breath labored.
Mind twirling, eyes darting.  '

Finding comfort in the uncomfortable.
Taking control or just taking.

Maybe falling.  
Hopefully sending.  
Whatever it may be, pushing because that is what we do it for. 

I backed off a lead today, because my shoulders hurt.  Because my right elbow aches.  Because my shoes are all blown out.  Because I was afraid of not sending.  

Afraid of Failing.
  

My ego hurts as does my body.  I had a great time in Vegas last week.  Trying hard, succeeding.  Clay suggests that I may be too hard on myself.  

It allows me success, but it hinders the smile.  

It fogs the sunset, slogs the movement, mutters the conversations between friends. 

.........and this is how it is now.  
Clinging to a pin scar on the first crux of Rainbow Wall.  

Red Rock Routes

Resolution Arete 5.10--11 hours C-T-C

Cloud Tower 5.12a

Rainbow Wall 5.12 

Levitation 29 and Eagle Dance Link-up 7 hours C-T-C

Rock Warrior, Dream of Wild Turkeys and Prince of Darkness link-up

Some cragging at Brass Wall, Gallery, and others

Zion Routes

Moonlight Free Attempt 5.12d (did not complete)

Sheer Lunacy 3 1/2 hours on route

Force Boyle 5.11

Bits and Pieces 5.11

Monkey Finger 5.12

some cragging at Touchstone Base and Kung Fu Theater, and others

A few high quality Grades.

My climbing partner for the last 2 weeks, Buster Jesik, put together this time break down of our recent adventure in Zion.  We linked Spaceshot, Touchstone and Moonlight.   A little video of our adventure also by Buster....http://vimeo.com/73749360

I added a little bit of narrative.

Start time - 6:10 am, Sunday, April 28th, 2013

Spaceshot Total Time - 3:27:09 (note: this was Buster's first time up the route!)

2:08:16 - Buster's lead block on Spaceshot (5 pitches - including our free solo of first 3 pitches) #1 and #2 Ballnutz made the C2 pitch a breeze!

1:18:53 - Q's lead block to the top of Spaceshot  (3 pitches + solo to top)

1:53:15 - descent of Spaceshot, re-rack, and approach to Touchstone Wall - (EPIC*)  
*We fixed our full tag line to the Pitch 7 anchor and fixed our lead rope on Earth Orbit.  Rappelling the route wasn't that bad, things were going swimmingly!  One tug- movement, two tugs- movement, three tugs--eh, three tugs--eh, shit!  I could barely see the tail ends sticking up from the knot and the sandstone groove the knot was jammed in.  Buster yarded on the other end while I flicked the rope.  Being almost 50 meters down and diagonally left, our efforts were futile.  I cursed as I put the jumars back on the rope.  I re-jugged the whole rope line, adjusted the knot below the lip and rappelled again.  We finally pulled free and clear.    The rappel back to the top of Pitch 5 was a strenuous leftward swing.  A wonderful learning experiment, not awful, but just as time consuming as the standard decent.  

Touchstone Wall -  2:20:35 -
1:10:47 - Buster's lead block on Touchstone Wall (3.5 pitches) 

03:48 - transition on Touchstone Wall

1:06:50 - Q's lead block to the top of Touchstone (4 pitches + solo to top) 

Touchstone Wall felt cruiser.  We passed one party of nice gentleman without a hitch.  Thank you gentleman!  

1:21:17 - descent of Touchstone, refuel and river crossing/approach to Moonlight 

Quinn on the upper pitches of Moonlight 

Buster soakin it up!

Moonlight Buttress - 3:19.56
2:09:27 - Buster's lead block on Moonlight Buttress (5 pitches) 

1:10:29 - Q's lead block on Moonlight Buttress (4 pitches) 

Moonlight also felt pretty good, I did not climb as quickly (our previous go I climbed the top 5 pitches in an hour.  I was one pitch less this go around and 10 minutes more-- and so it goes).   

Start of Spaceshot to top of Moonlight - 12:23:02 

32:47 - summit dance and decent of angles landing trail
12:55:49 - Total car to car time from start of Spaceshot to valley floor 

36:46 - Wait for bus and approach to Monkeyfinger -

37:46 - Time spent climbing on Monkeyfinger - (climbed first 2 1/2 pitches**)
** In November I hit the ledge and ricochet past my belayer.  I was injured for a few weeks, so it was with hesitation I started our 4th wall of the day.
It was still light out and would be for at least another hour or so.   We soloed up to the base of the pillar and I led the 5.11 without a hitch.  "Line fixed!!" I yelled to Buster and glanced down to the base.  I saw a pool of red in the sand while Buster mumbled up, "I have another bloody nose and this one is worse."  He had gotten one on Moonlight earlier in the day but just dealt.  I was unaware of his predicament until we both stood atop Moonlight and I noticed blood smeared on his face.    

Buster in predicament #2

This time, I waited and watched from my perch.  He fumbled his helmet off and I watched his glasses tumbled down a ledge a little further.  "We aren't stopping on account of my bloody nose."
I must admit I was still a little put off by this climb and this was solidifying my angst,   "alright dude."  I turned around and started going up.  I placed my first piece and leaned over onto the aider, no problem.  I placed my second piece high, unclipped my aider from the anchor and leaned over onto it, bingo.  Just as I was reaching for a third piece, I was off.  Just as quickly I was standing upright back on the ledge.  My right leg took the brunt of the impact and there was a small twinge in my back.  I luckily had the exact right distance in my daisy land on the ledge but not to full impact.  
"That's it dude!!  Three walls are plenty.  This is the second time I have hit this ledge, I am out!"  I called it.  I am a little disappointed but with the recent tragedies in my life I am glad we are both safe! 
With that we were off, back to the car and drinking a beer with the last inches of light.  

20-12's in 2012

Plus one 5.13!

After the June trip to Yosemite I needed an obtainable/fun goal to occupy my mind.

Chris Trimble confused by the summer choices!

What to do?  What to do?

Summer in Estes is filled with too much work, a lot of play, and minimal amounts of sleep.  I rallied friends and co-workers, "let's all try to climb twenty 5.12's in the year 2012!"  Some agreed to the challenge and currently we are all working towards completing the 20.  Adam Sanders, Trango Rep. and climbing madman set this goal in 2011, trying to climb 20 5.12's before 2012 arrived.  I stole his idea! :)

So far, I have climbed 8 sport climbs and one traditional climb.  (It seems I have time for a sport wanking outing about once a week).  My one full day off each week is spent wandering the Rocky Mountains alpine splitters!

The list is ongoing....and I have updated as I have climbed!



So far

1.  Mistrel in the Gallery, 5.12, The Gallery, Red Rocks

Justin Dubois Photo

2.  Blisters in the Sun, 5.12a Queen Creek, Arizona
3.  Days of Future Past- 5.12a, Animal World--Boulder Canyon

4.  Free Fall -5.12a, Avalon--Boulder Canyon

5.  Furious Howard Brown 5.12 a/b, Surprising Crag--Boulder Canyon

6. Threshold of a Dream 5.12-, Animal World--Boulder Canyon

7.  Wet Denim Day Dream 5.12-, Wall of the 90's--Clear Creek (Onsight)

8.  Red Neck Hero 5.12, River Wall---Button Rock Reservoir.  

9. The Wasp 5.13-, Rock of Ages --- Rocky Mountain National Park (3rd try on lead, trad climb)

10. Rise and Shine 5.12-, Bitty Butress -- Boulder Canyon
11.  The Gate Keepr 5.12a, Wizards Gate --- The Crags, RMNP
12. All Too Obvious 5.12, Spearhead---RMNP (onsight) (traditional)
13. Medicine Man 5.12b, Colorado National Monument (onsight) (traditional)
14.  Jolt Cola 5.12a, Blob Rock, Boulder Canyon
15.  Aoxamoxoa, 5.12b, The Bank, Shelf Road
16. Pick Pocket 5.12a, Cactus Cliff, Shelf Road
17. Blade Runner 5.12a, Cactus Cliff, Shelf Road

My most exciting lead to date, The Wasp, occurred Wednesday July something or other.  Tuesday, I hiked out with Bronson to top rope and suss out some gear.  Previously, I had one top-rope lap on The Wasp this summer in late June.  I also have had some miserable burns on it a few summers back.  This June was the first time I top-roped it with no falls and no extreme pump.  I had to work at noon, so although I felt strong and was tempted for a lead go, I didn't have time.

Wednesday, my girlfriend Kelly Cramer, returned with me.  Through a small debate on the hike up, WE decided that there would be no more top-roping.  I would walk up to the climb and lead the darn thing.  I fell entering the crux traverse.  BOO.  I was fully pumped.

I rested for a while, then tried again.  Feeling solid I reached the "jug" at the end of the traverse left, but had placed a piece in the way.  I shuffled around trying to jam my hand under the cam, but in my flurry ended up just grabbing it.  Double BOO.  I definitely hollered a few F-Bombs.  Irritated at my lack of mental control!!!!

 I was also worried I wouldn't have the energy for another full effort.  I rested 20 minutes or so, then headed up for the 3rd time.  Through the traverse, I placed the cam in a better location, moved through, and stood up for a rest.  One more reachy move puts you on a "smile-evoking-foot-holds-surprise-hand-rail-of-joy"traverse right.  I placed another piece but was short a runner.  I clipped it directly and began climbing upwards towards the piton.

The Wasp, Photo taken from Mountain Project

WHEN DID THE SMALL CHILD JUMP ON MY BACK, I thought?  I just sand-bagged myself with an extreme lightening zag of rope drag.  I thought about down-climbing and taking the piece out but thought I would waste to much energy.  In hindsight, I wasted just as much energy climbing upwards with the rope drag, Elvis clipping and such.  Even with the little extra epic I created for myself, I clipped the piton, moved through the last few crimps to the jug at the lip with just enough energy!  YAHOO!!!!!!!!!

Heel hooking in the Ra's in Boulder Canyon!  

Thanks Kelly and Bronson for hiking out there with me!

Recently, Trango has picked up Tenaya shoes, and have been testing a few.  I have always been partial to climbing with Muira's, but am finding Tenaya's Ra to be quite comparable.  Great rubber, stiff and comfortable.  The Masai's are a less aggressive shoe that I am climbing in a size bigger than usual, but am loving them for long days.  They still have a great toe box and edge, but more flexibility.  My Off-width shoes of choice!!

Give these shoes a try!!!

Cake eating

I don't really enjoy cake.  I do enjoy cookies and ice cream though!  "Having my ice cream and eating it too," doesn't really have as much of a profound impact.  One MUST eat the ice cream, otherwise it will just melt all over everything and make a complete mess.

I digress.

I just spent the last moldy and damp 2 days hanging out with 25 females and 2 males at a retreat center in north Washington.  All of us part of the Fall 2011 cohort in a variety of Antioch University in Seattle, Master of Arts program.   It was an enlightening and frustrating two days.  Mixed emotions about why I am starting this journey, and a bit long winded as conversation and the flow of ideas are concerned.  I look forward to the challenges classroom immersion provides.  This weekend should be knowledge packed, as I have four 9-530 days in a row.  Topics include Methods in Sustainability and Systems change.
http://antiochseattle.edu/academics/enviro/index.html

Wes is currently working in Rapid City for the next 10 days or so.  After which we will meet up in Yosemite valley.  This is where the cake part comes in.  I am attempting to go to graduate school, climb my ass off, and take a WEMT course to further my guiding company and other climbing related pursuits.

Home

Countless e-mails to various environmental non-profits returned fruitless new vocation avenues.  I haven't given up hope, and I am aware that phone calls and hand shakes make all the difference!!  I selfishly admit that I would also like to continue this climbing thing.  I am getting a better head these days and the injections of Chromosome 19 (the try hard gene) are seemingly working!  I recognize that this is a slim pursuit as far as money and sponsorship go, but I don't want to NOT try! 

For now the schedule and work load of graduate school is conducive to this idealist lifestyle.  Monetary funds, thanks to "Maple" (our new home on wheels) are quite limited, but I think with a little writing or creativity funds may procure.  If not, I will search harder for work....either that or delve further into the student loans!  HA!

(Pictures of van to come).

So, while I half-heartedly explore non-profits and environmentally based organizations that may have openings in grant writing, policy research, event planning, education programming, etc.   I continue to pursue climbing goals, graduate school, and personal company goals.  My plate is full and Wes is amazingly supportive.  He is ready to settle down, have a garden, a house, and a mailbox.  I just can't settle yet.    I am not exhausted yet.

We will see if I maintain!!!