Publishing the "drafts"

Summer.  It always goes so damn fast!

I neglect to write, do I neglect to reflect and enjoy the moments?  Sometimes I think I do.  This morning while flipping thru my phones photos, to give Max beta on something, sparked something.  It had just given myself a mini-slideshow, reminding me of all the running around we do during the summer.

For those of you who don't know, I do have a job...well a few actually.  I travel and adventure a lot, its true, but most of is for work.   My main source of income is working as a climbing ranger for Rocky Mountain National Park.  We are on backcountry patrols climbing or hiking every day.  If an incident happens in the park we are the on-call Search and Rescue team, particularly when it comes to technical affairs.

I moonlight these days at my best gal's place, Ed's Cantina and also teach for Remote Medical International during the winter months, wilderness first responder courses and the like.  So I work and I play and I enjoy a glass of wine most evenings.  Life is not cheap, but nor is it forever so I might as well make the most of it.

Sitting still is a difficult task, but oddly enough so is training full-heartedly.  I give effort but most the time maximum effort is during show, the actual moment of aspired goal.

I am not sure where I was going with this blog, ha!  It is now November.  I obviously did not finish my reflection before I moved on to another task, another objective.

Brilliant insight, eh?  

This was written summer/fall of 2016. November is the last sentence :)  

Grief and Blame

I still haven’t resolved the days or weeks leading up to Yosemite in 2017.  I blame myself.  

  

In my youth, I didn’t felt comfortable- or learn an appropriate way— to express my needs verbally.  I do remember my dad saying something like, “if you don’t like the way we discipline you, speak up” or “ask why,” but I feared I would be criticized, joked at or didn’t want to raise a stink.  I was already a cryer, good or bad, compliment or critique.  I cried.  Many jokes about how I have cried in every National Park.  

I didn’t like the critical attention.  My coping skills took me to my bedroom.  I would talk out loud, voicing frustration, unfairness, anger, sadness to my pillow or papered walls.  As I aged, journaling became a less noticeable flare-up.  I learned to let things slide—- to a point.  My personal tipping point.  As an adult, this tipping point is where friends, lovers, even parents, on occasion, would experience my sudden exasperation of incoherent emotion-thought, with a rushed and louder voice.  

As a child, I also struggled with body image.  I think most folks have/do.  I grew up with family members who are overweight, a mom who pointedly struggles with it herself and a dad who would repeatedly poke jest in obesities direction.  My dad was playful, so his remarks were indirect asides, re-writing and jokingly performing of tv theme songs etc.  I think my mothers weight concerns, dads jokes, societal trends, my innate personality and my communication fear/barrier combined for no one to take full blame.  Just a realization I have had since my late 20’s.  The pervasive need to “earn” my beer or ice cream through cardio-exercise.  

I was working on appreciating myself, my body, my gifts, my faults — the roundness of me since I finally opened my eyes, again at a very slow late 20’s.  Andrew’s death enlightened some more flaws, followed by the unfortunate downward spiral this next relationship and I found ourselves in.  For about a year, he wanted out.  At first I was amendable to him moving out, taking space.  When it didn’t happen, we found ourselves battling for our own stances, our own versions requesting “love me, respect me.”  Working together, living together—- too much in your face time --it became unhealthy.  

I was afraid to speak up for myself in a direct and compassionate manner.  I was afraid of it ending.  I was afraid to look deeper, hard in the mud.  I was impatient with myself, impatient with him.  

  

Afraid but why?  

For months prior to my injury, I often felt hurt, blamed, bitchy, conflicted, defensive, confused… all the things you feel when love and communication are not clear.  My memory and perspective is relevant to my experiences and upbringing. 

He the same.  Neither is wrong.  I have never felt that he was wrong to feel or express his hurt, anger, frustrations, and sadness towards our relationship, towards my accident.   Fuck to pile on them both.  I am sorry.  We all swim in the water in our own way.  

My struggle is two-fold.  Having suffered a life-altering traumatic injury, hitting my head, coupled with having a dynamic family/friend ICU experience.  I wasn’t me.  I was on pain medication, uncharted emotional, short-term memory and task oriented forgetful-land.  I feel like I am making an excuse for myself during the first nine months to a year of my existence after my injury.  I feel like I pushed people away.  I was dealing with an exceptional amount.  I may have looked “with it” but wasn’t sleeping, was depressed, didn’t want to be alive, confused, hurt——  denial, bargaining, coping.  So was he.  We don’t know as outsiders the depths of despair people wade through.  

This rant coming around to the fact, I don’t forgive myself.  The work I had been doing wasn’t enough, not even close.  I focus on my failing relationship as a reason I fell, if I had spoken up, broken up, I wouldn’t have gone to Yosemite.  I would have, could have trained for the running endeavors with a weepy heart. 

It is not his fault.  

I could focus on my parents and the body image shit, it is not their fault either.  

I could blame social media, companies for perpetuating good-looking and success.  Nope, silly.  

It makes the most sense that I am accountable for my actions.  For not honestly or more loudly expressing to Josie that my heart hurt from Hayden dying, the entire trip to Yosemite didn’t feel right because I was running away from the truth in my 4 year relationship falling apart.   

I hoped for marriage, was clinging to prove I was good enough, kind enough, worthy enough of being asked the question.  I am not embarrassed to say it, I want to be married.  I want the story tale question to be asked of me.  

I wasn’t content with the body, looking back at photos I am an idiot.  I was strong and slender, even in the “pudgier times.”  Even now when I look at my big arms, bony ass legs and more fat layered belly squished in my wheelchair.  I have a long ways to go with this work.

After another emotionally tasking climbing ranger season, I was tired.  I love my teammates but the tight, persistent and demanding dynamic could be trying.  I was confused about my relationship with rock climbing.  Not in a good headspace.  

Self-Blame.  Anyone of those phrases, said in the mirror and I wouldn’t be paralyzed.  My choice to push them all aside, or down.  Distraction.  

This pandemic has me at another layer of loss for distraction, similar to the year following my injury.  I am not traveling.  I don’t have a job at the moment.  Friends are struggling to maintain their business’ or sanity in this small town.  We are supposed to be socially distant anyway but that doesn't feel new to me and COVID times.  Friendships, as a whole, are a can of worms since my injury.  I feel an overwhelming sense of sorrow for my friendships.  Many lost.  I feel lost.  I still struggle.  Where we are now, far far away.  Am I still pushing you guys away?  

Why am I writing all this?  Writing is cathartic and when I return to reread in a few days before possibly publishing, I can sort what I mean on paper but also in my mind.  

Why am I sharing it? In my haze, have I told those I love, and strangers afar, I love them, I am thankful?   Thank you.  I am so incredibly grateful for the cards, the books, the chocolates, the weekly visits, the hugs, the exhausting heart-broken repetitive conversations they listened to, the moody nerve pain days and answering the “surely she is crying again” phone calls.  I know I have said it in person to them but for some reason feel it isn’t enough.  I still feel a need to convince others I am; thankful, sorry, working on being pleasant, genuine nice, mostly kind, loving, a great listener, caring, compassionate— good enough—- worthy.  

This is not all them.  
This is obviously is a pervasive trait that I need to still sort.  Why do I need approval?  Why am I so concerned with others perspective of me?  The perfectionist is resistant to forgiving myself, as I am in this obvious seated position due to my own choices, habits—- me.  

Life Long Loves Tour--- a draft just publishing now.

After returning from an 8 week adventure throughout Patagonia, I had a brilliant idea of traveling some more!!
I haven't written in ages and have, in fact, opened up this blog many-a-times to write something down but I feel my thoughts swarming.

I was home--Estes Park-- for 11 weeks in 2013.
The 2014 year was shaping up to be similar, as I left for a 2 month trip to Patagonia on January 3.  I find myself tired from travel.
I keep my schedule full of friends, full of trips, full of busy.

Am I distracting my heart from the loss of loved ones?

To remedy this, I had the brilliant idea of traveling some more...well with two intentions.
One, visit the people who have infected me with their brilliance, compassion, passions, and love over the years.
Two, visit those important people because time with them is often the best gift (thank you PK for that reminder).  So, off I went to spend time with those that I love so dearly, those that have taken care of me through thick and thin.

Estes Park to Moab to Mesa to Yucca Valley to San Diego to Groveland to Tahoe to Bend to Seattle to Nosara, CR to Bellingham to Leavenworth.

Plans, like always, altered.  The convergence of the 'family' (a blend of KMAC crew/Andrew's friends) in Indian Creek had me layover for an extra 4 days.  The positive support amongst one another towards all of our individual endeavors and psyche (for climbing, for fun, for being genuinely nice and caring people) is unmatched.  I climbed some of my hardest Indian Creek climbs during this week, also with some of my biggest lobbers!  Such a grand time.  I almost on-sighted Sweden Ringle at the end of my first day!  (Thank you MonKeys ---you know who you are!)

In Mesa, AZ.  My mom and I went on a Great-Horned Owl hike (she knew a sneaky spot where two were nesting). After dinner, my dad and I played with his new telescope, something we did when I was a child at our lakeside cabin in Minnesota.

There was a full moon, it was neat.

My parents, always exploring- continuing the adventures with open inquisitive eyes.

In Joshua Tree, Craig, Hogan, and Erik treated me to an awful (food not company) Mexican dinner in Yucca Valley after days and days of granite crystal wrestling.  These men, excellent athletes, have been a source of inspiration and possibility.  You can try hard every day, with a family, with athletics, with the mind, with yourself and a little scotch goes a long way!  Thank you!

Patti and I boldly plunged into the Pacific waters near San Diego for a body board session.  Catching up on our 20 year friendship.  Discussion has altered from the days of 2-a-day swim practices and Dairy Queen treats to married life and loosing loved ones.  Her mother, a second mother to me, has alzheimers disease.  It is awful to hear the diminishing of the this lovely ladies mind and body, with such hopelessness.  It is remarkable to have been friends for so long---regardless of time and space to know that we love one another.
"Bohemian," she looked me up and down as I arrived.  Ha!  I got it from her.  Growing up with Patti, I was inspired to step out from under my naive roof of existence.
Travel.  Embarrass yourself.  Try new things.  Laugh.  Laugh to the point of embarrassing yourself again.  Repeat!  Thank you Patti!

Matty and PK just got hitched!!  So, next stop Groveland, CA.  Hopes of climbing in the Valley, diminished as rain moved in.  We climbed at Jailhouse instead, overhanging sport routes that are pump worthy.  

I don't know Matty all that well.  I do know he has a  quick wit and he brings a smile to one of my favorite ladies.  PK, has been a pillar of support for years.  We giggle and chat simultaneously, faces turning blue when it has been too long since we have spoken.  We have suffered similar losses, similar need for movement and similar haircuts and colors.  This lady reminds me to be true to the important people in my life and myself.  Time is one of the more

------The road trip continued north visiting my good friend Sam Piper in Truckee.  We ran and caught up.  Next stop was Bend, visiting and randomly dog sitting for a high school friend and fellow swim team guy Micah Vitoff.  I didn't know anyone there and they were off on a trip, so I took care of their giant friendly fur and sourced out some solo mountain bike time.  Time to reflect and return to a clear mind before jetting off to Leavenworth, Washington and teaching a month long Wilderness EMT course. 

While there I reconnected with Jens Holsten, we met in Patagonia on Fitz Roy.  I was spreading Andrews ashes on the summit, while he and his partner Chad were enjoying the journey and summit views.  Chad fucking got hit in the head as they descended a different side of the mountain, we never saw him again.  So, it was healing to connect with Jens on this trip and get to share my little bit of grief process. 

"if we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. one's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things." Henry Miller.

Last of the Sidetracked

3/3 CONTINUED : I wrote this piece for a lovely little journal called Sidetracked.  It contains  incredible stories and beautiful photos of adventures, culture and experiences around the world.  Get the June 2019 issue and you'll see the full story.  

https://www.sidetracked.com/

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My healing process mirrors this Earthly cycle. Grief floats through the raging rapids, sinking in, jolting into boulders, dragging across shallow bottoms, all while trying to maintain an airway as it jostles across the unforeseen landscape in one piece. 

I am still whole. 

I vaguely remember waking behind Texas Flake. Josie, my climbing partner, rappelled down to me. I was face down. I’d been unconscious, strewn amongst boulders. My head was bleeding. Josie rolled me over and I came to. Excruciating pain was vivid then, even though now it is a vague memory. I can’t feel my legs, I told Josie. She worked in Yosemite on their Search and Rescue team, and initiated the rescue by cell phone. Swiftly, a YOSAR helicopter flew two rescuers out to just below Josie and I. It was a delicate procedure given the sheer granite face, unpredictable winds, tiny ledges, and  virtually no room for error. 

That notion, ‘no room for error’ – I could marinate in that for hours. I already have. I worked as a climbing ranger in Rocky Mountain National Park, similar duties and job function as those then tasked with rescuing me. I hiked around every day on the job communicating preventative safety measures with recreational visitors to the backcountry. Our crew was intended to be always available and in high-functioning physical and mental shape. Ready to bust up trail at any hour, after any exercise we might have already done, to help those with a medical emergency, wherever they may be in the Park. I coveted the daily interactions with people and the wilderness. How lucky I was to marry them both as my job. 

While I evolve into acceptance, I strive to find joy and purpose. My life was brimming with it before. Before I was paralysed. Now, my brain is also paralysed at times, stuck on the spinning narratives of the past. Wishing I could run across crisp mountain summits and red desert trails. I long for a time when I can feel if my bladder is full or enjoy a slap on my backside. Golly, how about feeling an orgasm! I make bargains: for my injury to be one vertebrae lower, so I might have the use of my quadriceps and the ability to just stand up without clunky archaic full-leg braces that make me think of Forrest Gump. I have yelled at myself in private moments: 'What the fuck were you doing? Why didn’t you pay attention? Why were you even there?

The irony. The girl who couldn’t sit still.

As the seasons change the river changes her voice. Summer grows and she becomes loud and obnoxious.  Maybe she is scared as her waters spill over the bank. Fall evolves into winter and the chatter of the river quiets, its danger simmers. Fall brings romance and delicateness. Yellow leaves float down her curves. In winter, she freezes, perhaps flowing quietly under the ice. Unknowable hazards lurk there. Spring returns and she begins to swell, bellowing her growth. Year after year,  this process continues, like the process of grief. It may seem to have calmed down; I may seem to be ‘crushing life’ because I have this archaic device that allows me ‘freedom' of movement. I sit. My legs burn. While I am constantly in physical pain, my mental pain is more like the river. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes loudly exclaiming my sorrow; sometimes believing I am safe to walk across the ice in the winter only to find my foot slips in and I am back in the river’s darkness.  
Maybe I am crying with sadness.  Maybe I am yelling with anger.  Maybe I am bargaining, trying to get my damn foot out of the river, for one more muscle to work.  Maybe I am watching the yellow aspen leaves charily floating along as I soak in beautiful fall sunlight and warmth. This will continue for the rest of my life. As the river continues to flow for eternity. As the burble in my head calms, I have more time to ponder Me. Who was I? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? When we have experienced our own death, or something like it, how do we move forward in our unexpected rebirth?  

I am still a mover. I want to move my body, move my legs. My lower half will most likely never move again, without the help of science, research, awareness, the compassion of strangers.  I still can't sit still, taking part in a new movement, a new way to move my body but also new way to advocate for something sitting in my own lap.   Maybe, it was never the need to quell the body through physical endeavours, as I thought, I was perpetually seeking the straightest line, thinking that was the most efficient path in the mountains, in my work environment, in my relationships.  I was focusing on the wrong system, the wrong shape.  I was confused in my previous life, perceiving most circumstances in a linear way.  Perhaps true access to that quiet mental space and focus, is to also spend some time in the chaos of the mind.  After all the insecurities of my body stem from the insecurities in my mind. In this new life, a balance better serves the goal of full body appreciation.  

The shape of life.

The Earth continues to orbit the sun. The river flows downstream, ebbing and rushing, twisting and turning, but water fills its banks through the subtle process of freezing and melting. The river cycles from land to sky, feeding new life, helping the natural process of decay and renewal; carving new paths, fuelling the evolution of rebirth and death for eternity.  This circle is full, all encompassing of emotion and experience.  I am still on this earth and participating in the continuous cycle.  I continue to breathe. I am changed, carving a new path but my head and my heart like this Earth, are still full, colourful, and rounded.

Sidetracked 2

2/3 CONTINUED : I wrote this piece for a lovely little journal called Sidetracked.  It contains  incredible stories and beautiful photos of adventures, culture and experiences around the world.  Get the June issue and you can finish reading my story! 

https://www.sidetracked.com/
____________________________________________________________

I am not there yet.

I am one year and a half into this new relationship with sitting.  On October of 2017, I fell while rock climbing in Yosemite National Park.  I had a rope.  I had a climbing partner.  I did not have enough gear in place and there was too much rope in the system.  I fell over 100 feet.  I had climbed the Nose on El Cap nearly a dozen times previously, from my virgin 3 day ascent to speed record ascents.  This day, my partner and I were intentionally climbing fast.  I led the first block of the route, covering nearly 1500 feet in just over 2 hours.  Fifty feet before the scheduled shift change on a feature called the Boot Flake, something happened.  My foot slipped or a hand or seemingly a combination.  My gear placements were minimal, a bolt 30 feet blow me.  This is one tactic people use for speed climbing this route in particular,  I usually have two pieces of gear tethered to me as I ascend, for some reason on this day, I was being more cavalier or naive or stupid.  I only had one in.  The distances are rough estimates.  Either way, granite zoomed upwards before my eyes as gravity took hold of my figure.  My body ricocheting off a piece of rock independent from the main cliff, named Texas Flake.  I now lay nestled in a small chimney still over a 1000 feet up the almost sheer wall.  I took the fated, “unsurvivable” fall in the most horrendous of spots probably on the entire route.   

Every morning the wheelchair beckons for closer company.  I acquiesce, I certainly don’t want to lie in bed all day.  Sitting was never my plan in life, laying down certainly doesn’t compute.   My arm position my left leg over the edge of the bed and then the right.  I sit up using the core muscles still available with a heavy push of planted hands and triceps.  The lower limbs, now considerably atrophied, dangle in a space unaware of their surroundings, temperature or that they are even attached to me.  

Distant.  

The spring snow melts in my town of Estes Park, the Big Thompson increases her burble.  The hum is subtle out my bedroom window but as earth revolves giving us more daylight, the sound amplifies.  Summer breezes, snow melt fades as time passes, the swollen river simmers her proclamation, gradually.  Blue skis are common every morning but inevitably some part of the mountain range will be surrounded by afternoon dark gray storm clouds, dousing torrential rains and (susceptible to) unpredictable electrical impulses shooting out of the sky.  Booming thunder bouncing from granite gendarme to granite gendarme.  The river reacts, snug banks absorbing the surging water to her best ability.  Sometimes there is a spill.  Sometimes overwhelming floods wreak havoc.   

My healing process seems similar to this earthly cycle.  My grief floats through the raging rapids, sinking in, jolting into boulders, dragging across shallow bottoms, all while trying to maintain an airway as it jostles across the unforeseen landscape in one piece. 

...................................TO BE CONTINUED..........

Sidetracked Journal

Afternoon light dances and drifts as a warm breeze teases Ponderosa pine boughs. My backside

nestles comfortably into the sofa, warm laptop on my thighs. My feet are propped on my coffee

table. My backyard obsession, Longs Peak, is the cause of this glorious quagmire. I had just

spent four back-to-back days training around the many aspects of this 4,346m playground.

Running trailhead to summit, dangling on a rope to suss out the moves of its harder, vertical

face climbing routes, and joyously scampering its ridges and peaks. Red face, content heart.

Training for what, you might ask. Sitting, I would exclaim with a laugh.

The most efficient way for me to access a quiet mental space, gain focus on non-moving tasks like computer work or reading a book, is to twirl about physically until I have reached full-body fatigue. As the sofa warms and my legs find rest on this particular evening, I find myself sipping on wine planning the upcoming year’s slew of expeditions. Typing away, detailing new route possibilities on yellow cliffs in Madagascar, Googling images of unclimbed granite spires rising out of the freezing waters on Baffin Island, and giggling in conversation with Libby about the jungle tools we were going to need to machete our way in to

remote Chilean granite domes.

How quickly the simple things can disappear.  The daydream subsides as sound and light shift my focus to real time, real places. The room is warm. I am shivering, buried beneath a down comforter. There is a wheelchair by my bedside.  It has been there every day now for over a year.

My mood is learned indifference even with the persistent hum and electrical burning in the

lower half of my body. Perhaps I should feel something approaching love for this antiquated and neglected device that only just allows me to roll about a house, a paved lake, or out to dinner.

I am not there yet....

TO BE CONTINUED : I wrote this piece for a lovely little journal called Sidetracked.  It contains  incredible stories and beautiful photos of adventures, culture and experiences around the world.  Get the current issue and you can finish reading my story! 

https://www.sidetracked.com/

Where are you now?

Stoic

Stories of my smile, stories of my frown.

I haven't written in awhile.  I have been working on an article for a beautiful publication Sidetracked, so while I have been writing in my days it has been mostly editing.  This morning I needed to journal but I am traveling in Bend, OR and did not bring my journal.  We will see where this goes.....

I traveled quite a bit before my injury.  While I did live and work in Estes Park steadily mid-April to the end of the September, I still found myself flying to somewhere else almost once a month.  July was probably the only month I didn't leave Estes Park for years. Crazy to think about.  It didn't seem so exhausting back then, sometimes if I worked a clinic over my days off with the Park and had a later flight home with work at 7am the next morning, I would be tired but it was easier to recoup.  Running in the mountains, averaging 30-60 miles a week was normal.

After injury I find I am pooped.  There is more planning involved, constant burning in my legs and the effort of this smaller muscle group that supports my mobility.  Arms!

.......Well, per usual I got distracted.  It's a week later from the paragraphs above.  It a was a lovely week in Bend but back to some emotion here in Estes.  Trying to sort patience and contentedness.  When will I have either of those qualities?

Bond

I arrived in Bend, stoked to spend a week of nordic skiing and hanging with a rad new (to me) community of people.  Instead I had drifting thoughts of, I just want to be home.  I know this thought comes from being tired of travel.  Of wanting to build a house, grow food, have dinner with a loved one, conversation and adventure with loved ones.

While I enjoy that I have a vast community of friends and pen pals, always have.  I think I was striving before my injury to settle a little bit.  Not settle in trying hard but try hard in different endeavors.  I knew how to climb, how to run, how to avoid conflict by being cool or being avoidant with my needs but I longed to tackle the emotional or communicative sides that I needed to work on.  I needed help and support with those endeavors.  I didn't know how or wasn't brave enough to ask for help nor was the timing right for some to offer.  I made small efforts but ultimately relied on what I was used to....solving myself or avoiding through physical activity.

This trip had a rise up of my past work, intentions to be a better human. To learn.  To grow. 
I had an immediate reaction of "I don't want to be here".  Thoughts drifted to why not?  What do I want?  What would make me feel content?  Physical activity is ingrained in my being, so is time outside.  I think connecting to a community is also.  My desire to have a partner and play and friends and travel and piano and movies and ocean and night sky and bailey's and wine and cheese and a sore body pervades.  I do want it all :)  I am different but I am the same.

Beauty

I guess in this rant, I wonder what have I learned in this life altering injury?  How am I better?  When Andrew died it was the most devastating life experience for me.  When Annie died, when Chad...when Hayden.  When things are traumatic we learn, we grieve in a variety of ways over an indeterminate amount of time but do we change?

How can I still enjoy playing outdoors and curious adventure, pushing the body while also sharing some experiences with friends and a romantic partnership?   How do I share Quinn but with more patience for my emotions and those of others.   Appreciate individual goals and compassion for individual differences.  Appreciating that every partner, every relationship (friends or lovers) will be challenging and amazing at the same time.  Life is work, constant unpredictable, painful, joyous work.

Maybe I am learning that all we can do is be patient with the emotion or experience as it is now.  It won't last, we can plan we can expect but a multi direction change is in store at any moment.  What does all that planning and expectation of ourselves of others bring us?

Be gracious.  Be present.

Hard to do at times.

Grace

---Looking Back---

Staring at the mountain that in 12 hours time I would loose my ability to walk, climb, pee...so many things, gaining.... ?

I have some drafts in my blog site that are unpublished.  Below is one from late in March 2013.  I am writing about two close friends from Estes who were in a mountain accident, one died, one came away barely with many injuries.  2013 held a lot of sorrow and loss.  Dave and Lisa, then Rick and WHAM...Andrew and Annie.  Sometimes re-reading my thoughts are wild.....how they are the same even now.  Even older blogs, like the Peter Pan one are interesting.  I WAS working on myself but what was I doing about it?  What a I doing about it now?  Conversations about risk, change, failure, ambitions, and engrained habits of who we are.  I need to do some more journaling....sitting.  HA!  
______________________________________________________________________________March 2013
During this annual week of wandering I am reminded of my fortunate existence, ponder my ambitions (well, I have been doing that a lot this last year anyway), and usually sleep until my bladder cannot possibly rest any longer.  This year, the sleep was different, almost non-existent.  An uneasiness about friends, relationships, and well, just a feeling of something amiss.  Similar to my experience in the Baja a month ago, words fall short in accurately describing the emotion or experience.  

The van loaded with seventh graders, Dustin (my co-guide) and I drove out of the Grand Gulch Primitive area after 6 days of exploring canyons, ruins, and minds.  I turned my phone on near Moab, Utah.  Beep after beep, twenty-something texts in total after only 4 days without service.  Something was most certainly off. 

“Avalanche..injured”....”have you heard?”...”injuries include...” ....”funeral arrangements” ....I dropped the phone upon reading the last message.  I gazed forward, lost, the red canyons seemingly closing in on the van yet disappearing all the same.   The road just was, as it seemed I was.    

I am not attempting to say something profound, merely feeling a strong urge to write.  Death, regardless of circumstances, creates multitudes of emotion and I need a release.  

We are here now, no past, no future, no hope, no fantasies.  

Just here now and how quickly now can be taken away.  

I feel my heart heavy for a good friend, her personal injuries and the pain of imagining the situation dealt with head on.  My eyes moisten for the loss of a lovely man, and sorrow for his lovely wife and two beautiful young children.  My chest flutters as our small town community unites in these stressful times.  Love, everywhere love.  Love now.  LOVE NOW.  

This past year keeps pointing at living now, loving now, appreciating now, kindness, selflessness.  As always I feel slow in my development as a person.  Obviously we should be kind to everyone, have patience, try hard, love like we mean it, give because we love giving and making others happy.

We adventure because it fills our soul..........

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once in a lifetime

Frank's beer of choice for San Diego Saturday afternoon. :)

Summer of 2013 while on an expedition in Greenland, I lost a friend and I lost a love, Annie Rooney and Andrew Barnes.
I spent the remainder of that year distracting myself with climbing and traveling.  I dove into the Bugaboos, the desert and journeyed to the far away Torres Valley in Southern Patagonia for the first time.  I put up first ascents, I ran a few triathlons and even managed to make it to the summit of Fitz Roy.  I thought if I exerted myself physically it would quite the chatter in the mind, the tears in my eyes and the heaviness in my heart.  It seemed to work.

After spreading Andrews ashes and giving a little summit dance on top Fitz Roy with Jens, Sam, Luke, Clay and Chad, we all made for a descent into town with plans to fill our bellies with beer and empanadas.

Chad took his last breath on that mountain, not far from the summit where we had all just been.

I returned home even more confused.  How and why did these incredible humans leave us so abruptly?  So young, capable and incredible.

I returned to Colorado but not for long.  I didn't feel settled.   I went on a road trip spring of 2014, calling it my Precious People Tour.  I visited friends and family in the west.  Some of the stops were to rock climb and visit friends in those special places, mostly single pitch shenanigans in Indian Creek and Joshua tree, Index and Skaha.  Primarily, I wanted to spend time with people that melted my heart---- past and present.  Good friends from climbing community, Andrew friends that were "family," and those friends that had nothing to do with climbing or perpetual movement.  It was special.  I cried (as I have a tendency to do).  Hugs were shared (asses were groped I am sure).  Laughs and memories illuminated campfires.  Andrew's ashes dusted deserts and pines and ocean and snowy summits.

Libby and I on a Lake Mead bike tour, Matt photo.

 I was single.  I was capable.  I thought I was sorting my heart, my desires, my intentions.  At the end of that road trip I got a call from Rocky Mountain National Park offering my dream job of a climbing ranger.  I had applied for 3 years.  Hell yes!
I took the job.  I met a man (on my trip, bathrooms of Indian Creek we joked).  I fell in love again.  My life was swelling with good things.

Things deflated.  Quickly.  Relationship.Legs.Work.Simple life.

Death and hardship affects us all differently.  It has lasting affects, usually learning through sadness results in actual learning and growth.  I ran into the mountains, I surrounded myself with people I loved.  Now, as I sit...I realize that instead of looking inward I distracted outwardly.  The title of my blog is :look up stand still breath: for god's sake.  I was trying to remind myself to slow down because I knew movement seemed to work but didn't actually allow things to sink.

Here we are now,  I have sliced through to deeper layer.  More work.  More hardship, without the ease of movement.  Its mind-boggling.  It is hard.  I know I will get there.  I know it takes time.

I write all this because five years have past.  I think about Andrew, Chad, Lara, Annie, Tim, Jason, Marc, Ryan, Hayden, Inge, Neils, Jonny, Micah, Bean, Kyle, Scott, Carlyle, David, Bernadette, Alina, Anna, Quinn...... (so many more).  Lives have ended.  Health has changed.  I am on the road again, in the same westward direction visiting many of some of the same folks.  Instead of climbing and running through the land, I am more of an observer.  Different lens, same motivations.  To see the world, to heal the heart, to give and receive love.  I know our learning and growth is slow, contingent upon experience and sometimes there is just a way to the world out of our control but how can I do better?  How can I listen, learn and grow without attachment or judgment?  Who was I before and what are my expectations of myself or others that this is so challenging? 

Maybe you are already there?

all tow, no hands.  Power assist for the steep uphills and speed checking Matt on the downhills.  

Take yourself into the wormhole........PLEASE!

you can see how skinny the legs are....quadzilla's gone.

I was driving up today (now a week ago) from my weekly "Denver Day" extravaganza.  I still do Physical Therapy at Craig.  If I have time in my day, lately I have been adding onto my schedule a "walking" session in an Exoskeleton.

Today, I "walked". 

After wards I had a CT scan, blood work and some other finishing work for a clinical trial I started participating in while I was still an inpatient at Craig.  The study gives either a placebo or a drug they think might help slow down the impending Osteoporosis that us Spinal Cord Injury folk are plagued with. 

We sit. 

Our muscles don't squeeze the bone.  Two things that go against our bones natural tendency to rejuvenate.  Today.  I learned that one year out, I have lost 25% bone density in my knees and upwards of 30% in my pelvis.  The 30% could be more.  My right side shows, during a DEXA scan, that it is considerably.....fucked up.  Either the machine wasn't reading appropriately because of a Heterotopic Ossification that I acquired March 1 of this year (blood clot).  The suggested inaccurate reading could be because my proximal femur has this lovely baseball sized mass.  An extra and inappropriate growth of bone in my soft tissue.  It butts up right to my pelvis.  In the DEXA it looks like it is touching would explain the crunching crepitus sound in my hip joint when I bend over at the waist (while sitting in my chair or on the ground).  It also could explain why in the last 2 months my right hip has been popping, like when you crack your finger knuckles. 

A loud and unpleasant, unnerving sound. 

So that was my day.  Emotionally a little draining.  The healthy athletic person doesn't want bones that are just shriveling up so fast.  I liked taking care of my body.  Too bad my mind wasn't on the same page a year ago. 

There are things on my list of "To-Do" that have been there for awhile.  People reach out....I get busy with shit and don't respond.   I also have a hard time FINDING your message, as most are on Facebook or Instagram and the search tool won't let me find you with "key words" of our conversation.  PHOOEY.  

I am also terrible at asking for help, when I clearly could use some.  SO.....HERE WE GO!!!!  I could use some help with random tasks.....

1.) I have been trying to call for a second opinion on my Spine.  I have a bone chip in my dura (at least from my vague memory and doctors conversations within the first couple of weeks.)  Why wasn't removed on initial surgery?  Is that causing nerve pain? Suggestions of second opinions I can reach out to?

2.) Help with the house building process.  Advice mostly, if you have experience on loan process for land/building, rolling it over.... hiring a contractor, recycled materials, design? 

3.) Hip pads for biking.  I don't need butt pads but pads on my hips!!  Company who makes?

5.) Out of order but remembering.... CAD people, Welding peeps, scheming peeps!!! 

Scheming 2 rigs;

a.) To climb the First Flatiron. A light weight contraction that firmly holds the legs in a vertical—meaning not much bend in my hips, almost like a slight squat position with knees slightly bent. Knee pads (or something light that protects the knees, shins and feet). Feet are in a more flexed position.  Check out @madmanpoole and his ice climbing rig.  

Perhaps a single pole or tubing better. Maybe a seat —maybe legs with firm soft cuffs that go around mid thighs and mid calf to hold leg in place?  Wheels. Like rollerblade wheels. Probably one on outside of each knee and one between feet. Or vice versus. Either way 2 somewhere for stability. Would be best to have them one way rotating (autostop mechanism) so when rolling/draggin up the cliff it turns. When paused or stop it locks and does not roll the opposite way (sending me back down wards). 

b.) Backcountry skiing. Mono ski, probably a ski with fish scales to help backward slippage when pushing uphill. Tyler has poles with skins or something on bottom. That would work or crampon claws or something that can then be quick released off and the replaced with the traditional outriggers for down hill. Basically a mono ski set up to sit in but lighter?  Legs out in front slightly bent (knees above hips better for balance, a little dump in the seat but ergonomic for skinning up. Check out @tbone_walker

4.) HELP, educating yourself.  As it helps all of US!  Yes, we are sitting but we aren't just sitting; UTI, Pressure sores, often not a contributing workerbee, a bazillion other complications racking into the healthcare system.  Imagine not being able to breath on your own, move your hands.... 

Being an advocate.  There are 250K of us in the U.S.  More each year, car accidents, disease, athletes etc...  How can we do this advocacy thing together?  Help creating longer lasting relationships with companies, researchers, funding opportunities......so it isn't just a one time thing, so research can keep growing, learning and pushing.... just like us :)

Getting science to collaborate ?  I am sure many are, as I am a newbie and just beginning this strong headedness on Spinal Cord Injury but there is SOOOOO much happening. 

Fiber Optic brain stuff, 

Hugh Herr and biometric spinal cords 

CU Boulder HASAL

Stem cells (need ALOT more work)  

NoGo Trap, and here too  

Epidural Stimulation (all the rage in NY times and CNN and, and, and, and but Medtronic has been making the technology for ages...needs an update.  Like Zach Morris phone compared to Iphone10!  Also some of these people had movement, "incomplete"injury, I am "complete".  What does that shit mean?  

Deep Brain Stimulation

Transcutaneous sTimulation.... non invasive...not as much hype as Epidural.

Gene Therapy (I am just delving into reading this stuff)

MOST HELPFUL FREE RESOURCE (It is simple well written and interesting.)

Cool shit thats happening; 

Cure Map

Yippee to our archaic modes of transportation 

Thank you.  If you have reached out to me before.  Please try me again!  

Bah Humbug.

I am struggling.

I have been bound by legs that are unmoving for 13 months now. 

Forgiveness is a far flung hope. (yes, i have tried CBD, THC, counseling, fasting, diet, movement, essential oils, herbal remedies and conventional pharmaceuticals.....).

Trying to hold patience for the passing of time.  Selfishly, I wish for a time machine to reverse it.  

Every morning I see my wheelchair by my bedside and am reminded of the gravity of my personal decision making....or lack there-of.  

I have described my regret for how things panned out last fall before; from wishing I would have spoken to my needs and desires in personal relationships more clearly....instead of "being cool" because I didn't want to rock the boat or scare anyone off or because I felt obligated.  I wasn't truly paying attention to the person that I am definitely stuck with for the long haul.

Me.

I do still feel like my blog is bitching, maybe it is.  Maybe I have swung from a non-complainer to a full-complainer.  Finding my balance, yeah?

Truth be told, I am learning, I was embarrassed to admit to myself or others my ACTUAL wants and desires.

I still struggle with this but with so much emotional and physical pain it is just easier to say what I need, rather then sugar coating it or sucking it up....like I used to.  I do not forgive the past life.  The self work I thought I was doing, my attempts to infect others with a love for nature, trying hard, moving with passion, and working on self.

I spoke out to others, actually trying to teach and infect myself.  I struggled feeling beautiful, measuring up to self-derived expectations.

I miss running.  I miss standing up.  I miss playing and my playful attitude.  I miss being easy going and carefree.  I miss feeling healthy.  I stress my health.   My hips and legs are disgusting, skinny and frail.  I have a layer of body fat, that I don't particularly enjoy because it means I haven't been running or getting cardio...which means my lungs are out of shape which means my heart is out of shape.

The athlete in me feels pathetic.  The intelligent rational brain is exhausted. The extravagant adventure stories are now more in the mind, rather then physical endeavors. 

Heavy shit.  I still get up every morning.