twirling

I struggle writing and sharing because I feel like a big ball of bitching, whining negativity.  No longer am I crafting a way to share my latest adventure in the hills.

As spring blossoms, I am still an inside creature.

Inside a house and inside my mind.

I struggle with feeling alone.  Friends are amazing but they go home at night.   I miss a shoulder to snuggle, meaningful doting and embrace.  My partnership had waves of difficulty in the last year before this accident...players at different life spots.  I was at a point in my life ready to participate and work for our relationship, knowing it covers the gamut of moods and experiences.  I failed.

He is an incredible human, someone I still adore.  That is my problem.  To be heartbroken continues to be my problem.  Would my hurt be the same if I hadn't had this accident?  Yes, I would be heartbroken, but I would have more confidence in finding another....more confidence with myself.  Maybe.   

Timing.

This injury, its timing, is odd.  Patience with myself and my future is incredibly stressful....a challenging task at best.  I wondered about my job future, my relationship future, was even tiring of climbing a little bit....WHAT?....I know, I would baby shake myself when that thought entered.  (yea, I say that phrase).  But its true.  I felt obligated to climb because it is how I twirled my time for the last 20 years.

Learning.

I am about 6 months out from my injury.  Every other day I am a mess...and even the good days I am a mess.  My nerve pain is a mildly consistent pain one day, and the next is like a refrigerator is sitting on my legs with occasional lightening bolts in my hips.  I am learning to sit with pain, with discomfort.  I thought I was a grit-filled lady before...I guess not enough.

Vulnerability.

Instead of sharing the feeling of sandstone abrading my elbows or coating my sweaty brow, I share the moaning of my heart and the twinging of my lifeless legs.

What I write is dark, maybe even from a depressed mind set but I am leaving it on the table.  I won't be this way forever.  Life has thrown me against a wall...literally.  I wished for change, but hesitated chasing it.  I wanted a long-term relationship but didn't communicate my needs directly enough......  I also optimistically misconstrued some words and actions to favor my own desires.


Here we are now.



I thought after Andrew's death I found some semblance of coping, learning, and loving.  This accident has proven my growth is not complete.  How do I do better?  My idea of body image has changed, I do not feel beautiful or capable.  Learning to accept....wow...seems unfathomable right now.

My habit of "playing cool" but not actually communicating my needs....to friends and lovers (yes, I can still have sex, enjoy sex, even birth a little monkey... if desired) is already changing, I hope for the better!!!

My inability to sit still prior to this accident, translating to some insecurities or fear of being inside the mind......Well shit.  Now I am givin'r!